My Mother’s Day hope for my children

I absolutely love being a mom. I get so much flak about what I do but honestly I love the tight schedules, the prep, and the joy from being on point with them. I’ve learned from trial and error that there is no perfect Mom. So there are many more times now where I can look at my to do list and roll my eyes and get it done at a later time. That’s major for me! I do a lot of self care to get through! However with my children when I look back at the memories we have created it makes me have some reference in the art of being a mom. Here is what I want for them:

  1. To be dope and know it: this means that they understand what they bring to any table, own a room and never compromise themselves for anyone!
  2. To be respectful but stern: I want them to give respect and command it but handle habitual line steppers! There is no settling for bad behavior for any reason not even from me! Gasp! How can I teach them if I’m dishing it and hiding behind “I’m your mom so I can mentality?”
  3. To be what they want! This is such a large statement and I pray daily to enlarge my love even in the areas of disappointment. I know it’s coming and I would hate to be the type of mom who turned their back on their kids when they needed me most!
  4. To love themselves! This is a daily thing! I want them to show themselves they are worthy so anyone friend or foe will know how to treat them!
  5. To make a stand! I’ve always been one to go against the grain and I can stand even alone! I need to be passionate about what they believe in!
  6. For long lives- I pray that they can live out their dreams and that this world doesn’t kill their spirit with all the negativity and foolery that is around

Of course there’s more for them I desire! But if I can raise them to love God, love themselves, and show love towards others while commanding respect and not taking a bunch of crap along the way, I’ve done my job! I’m not the usual mom! I’m okay with that! My husband and I’s job isn’t to have a bunch of folks stand in agreement with us. It’s our job to create a home full of love, acceptance, guidance and a few side eyes along the way!

No one laughs harder than our home and we will do what we can to keep it that way! I love my children and grateful I was chosen to be their mom!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all moms near and far!!

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Not So Motherly Mother

So we are definitely in Mother’s Day official weekend. This means that restaurants are about to make a killing along with flower shops and stores in general. There is a small amount of people who dread this weekend and it’s those who have raggedy no account moms. Oops! Yes there are some out there. The ones who left kids. The ones who keep up so much drama nobody wants to be around. The ones who have even taken their kids lives, or harmed them in some deep way.

We give people a hard time for their experiences with their mom. I was always taught to respect a parent regardless of their lack of parenting. I think this is true. I do think you can have a mom who is no account and say thanks for getting me here and leave it at that. The amount of folks that do not talk to their mom has increased as more people realize that the title of Mom doesn’t exclude them from the demons they have left in their name. Some do not associate with their mom. All of the ones with good moms look down on them but I would like to present a different side to the situation.

You can say thanks to your mom and not have a relationship if the situation warrants it. Not speaking could come from a number of things. It could be from misunderstanding or it could be from trying over and over again to make things right only to have things be wrong. A moms love should be unconditional but some have never felt that from their mom so it’s hard to understand the notion. When a person who has a mom who simply does things that they don’t like, they can work through it easier than someone who has never experienced the sacrifice and love that a mom shows.

If you and your mom are able to make it work than you should attempt. However there comes a point when a mom isn’t motherly and you have decided that doing little as possible so that you don’t further go into conflict is what’s best for you. If that is the case then you should do what works for you. Everyone doesn’t have loving mothers. We have to stop acting as if that is the case all the time. It is not! Not everyone can get along with their mothers! You can give respect and leave some distance if that is what you need.

If you are experiencing these issues with your mom I really do hope you are getting some form of help from a licensed professional. They can help you heal without apology. Sometimes we look for or need one and if you’re dealing with someone mother or no who is no account you may not get one. You also need not spew your issues on other. This could mean siblings or outsiders who don’t have the same issues that you do or even siblings who do have the same issues. You don’t need others to understand why you feel the way you do. This generation always needs validation but honestly how can someone high-five your pain?! They can’t.

They don’t know what’s it like to feel frustrated with no one to vent to. They don’t know the anger thee creeps in when you feel like you have to be the bigger person to a mother who should know better and act better. They don’t know what it’s like to wish you had a different mom but also want the mom you have but she won’t align herself in a better way! They don’t understand being grown but feeling like a helpless child where your mom plays the victim and you need answers!

For the ones who are hurting more as you see others love on their mothers and you feel the pain of emptiness please know that I get that it’s real! Please do not feel like you have to spend the weekend justifying yourself. My prayer is that even if you can’t get to a place where you and your mom can work through the issues together than at least you can be grateful for her giving you life. I would hope one day things can be worked on but what folks don’t get is that it takes two people to make that happen! One person doing the work only helps one person. Grace won’t cover what you won’t reveal!

Please invest in a journal or something where you can write down these feelings. Also if you have a mother figure that you look up to, then see if you can spend that time with them. Another suggestion would be to find a happy place and go there. It could be a favorite coffee shop, the beach, a bookstore, just get there! Find ways to practice self-care daily and increase it this weekend!

To the hurting! I pray personal peace and a lot of self-care this weekend to get you through not just this holiday but through life!

To my readers who are experiencing this pain I pray peace and love!!

Motherhood the No Manual Life

So Mother’s Day is coming up and we as moms will be thanked for all the things that we do. But I need to take a pause on the things that we as mom get, the no manual life.

There is no manual yet a thousand fingers point in telling you how it should be done. They tell you what’s acceptable and what’s not. Outside of neglect and abuse these fingers that point don’t get how much all the criticism breaks you down.

When I first became a mom my daughter was sick due to being born 6 weeks early. All of a sudden I had a thousand folks telling me how to dress her, how to stay home and never go out, how I was doing it wrong and I was gonna mess around and make her worse. The crazy part is that due to her health I had to rely on my doctor and even with following every protocol, guess what? She was hospitalized too many times to count. I sat in the hospital with great support BUT the ones pointing their fingers wasn’t visiting or calling to check on the baby. The same ones wasn’t lifting a finger. My second hospital visit I made up my mind to trust my instincts and that I wasn’t allowing folks to tell me what to do with my baby.

Now don’t get it twisted that didn’t mean I wasn’t listening to sound advice. It simply meant I wasn’t allowing folks to stress me with their bad advice who wasn’t going through what I went through nor had they been around a preemie who had asthma and all that it entails. It meant walking away mid sentence when people crossed the line. It meant shaking my head and disregarded 80% of folks. It meant not even giving information to people who too many times would only want to know so I could hear later down the line “you know she messing that baby up.”

Guess what?! As I ignored the negativity, my confidence spiked. I was able to let my guard down and enjoy motherhood. I was able to develop my own protocols. My daughter and I became closer. We were a pair and we were happy and eventually healthy. She will be 9 this month and my support system has changed but not by much. The reason is simple, smaller tighter circles is how I roll. Simple parenting works for me. No more high stress. And now with 2 more kids since my first one, we are doing quite well.

Every first time mom I encourage them to trust themselves. To get around like-minded parents or those with sound advice that works for them. To worry less about trying to please everyone! There is no manual but you can get through those first years weeding out the bad or outdated information. You can mix some old school with new! You can trust yourself!

Daily Women Crushers

As we continue to celebrate women’s history month, I want to shout out all women who are crushing their dreams.  Wednesdays are designated as #WCW or women crush Wednesday.  However daily women are failing, dusting themselves off and getting back out there and making it all happen.

Single women who are lonely and longing for relationship and finding ways to enjoy their single days and taking trips, starting businesses, becoming sound individuals without someone in their company. Those are daily women crushers.  They want to be with someone but aren’t allowing the lack thereof to stop them.  Until love finds them, they are out here making life happen for them under their own guidance, salute.

To the married woman who gives daily to her husband and attempting to be united, you are a daily woman crusher.  People think that marriage is a cure-all but it’s not.  It’s hard work to put someone else above your own.  It’s a union that actually makes you confront a lot of who you are or who you think you are.  Marriage is being there for someone and trying to keep the spark going regardless if that woman is tired or not, salute.  FYI the same should be done from her husband towards her.  If you find you are in a one way marriage, there are a few talks you and your husband need to have.

To the mother who is tired and feeling overwhelmed and still continues to get up before her house, getting things in order, and making it look effortless, you are a daily woman crusher.  To the days when those around you takes you for granted, and forget to say sorry or appreciate what you done, salute to you.  Salute to you when you lose yourself and literally have to pick yourself up before you can give again, salute to you.  Salute to you as you endure your body going through hell and back to deliver, salute to you.  Salute to you as you almost sometimes die on those tables waiting to hear that first cry, salute to you.  Salute to the women who have lost life many times and feel like their worth is tied to being a mother and can’t.  We salute you.  Just know that is a real pain. A real fear.  A real cry.  A real emptiness and I stand behind you and with you.

To the business woman who has to have her work checked twice just because she doesn’t have the same “member” as those on her team, salute to you.  Salute to the woman who is making moves after she was denied financing, salute to you.  Salute to the woman whose ideas failed many times before it took off, salute.  Salute to the woman who while accomplishing her goals, had the very folks who now want to stand with her after the fact and those same ones laughed, talked about, and ridiculed for that venture to pop, salute!

To the woman who has or is facing many demons and finding herself alone as she pushes towards getting her life together.  The ones that seem and feel like constant failures while others around her is flourishing.  The ones who say why not me too but they seem to be saying this only to themselves and there is no one around who understands you.  We salute you.  We get it.  We understand because as a woman regardless of what we have all accomplished we have all been public goals and secret failures.  Trust the process, understand that it will work out. Even in the dark, there will be light.  At the second you go to fail, you find a solution. At the moment you decide today is the day you will give up, light shines.  You are purpose and you were created for purpose.  The world has something that you have inside of you.  We salute the process of growing in the dark with limited water and resources.  The best flowers sometimes have thorns but are the prettiest in the end.  Don’t give up!

Teach the Babies-You’re Not Everyone’s Cup of Tea

So this week the recurring theme has been forgiveness.  This is a tough lesson for many adults let alone my own son. This week for both of my older kids the trying to teach them to understand that its okay to have a disagreement with a person, work things out or decide to work things out but be cordial and not be friends.

My son who is 6 is having the hardest time which is to be expected.  I do not expect him to understand adult like themes and to me forgiveness will come to him as he grows and matures.  So the issue is allowing my kids to find out whom feels safe to them.  I even teach my kids even those closest to them can give bad vibes, you have the right to retreat.  I do not make them give hugs or be around ANYONE who makes them uncomfortable.  This means that if you come to my child and my child rejects you for whatever reason, there’s no make them give into your insecurity of showing you love they don’t feel is genuine to give. We stress to kids to be aware but then judge them for feeling ill feelings.  My husband and I don’t.  We try to help them work through these feelings.

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For my daughter she has been going to the same school for years and most of the kids she has known since Kindergarten.  At this point she is well aware of certain people’s triggers, how they act, and what they do when the teachers and principals aren’t watching.  I am not one  of those parents that push my kids into certain friendships.  If there are mean girls in her school and she identifies that is who they are, I trust that I have raised her well to this point to know who they are and if she chooses not to embrace them outside of a school setting that is fine. We really can’t push the all the kids are angels routine.  I am all for her or my son working it out but its one thing to work it out and it’s another thing to have a blind eye to a problematic child and act as if that child isn’t an issue.

So this week my son has been having an issue with one child in particular.  He has tried being nice.  He has tried having meetings with the kid etc. However to no avail.  This kid is problematic.  My advice to my son was be cordial.  Work together when you have to in the classroom because in life you can’t always disengage with someone just because you don’t care for them.  However at recess is your time to play.  You shouldn’t have to spend your time in recess trying to push back negativity from one child.  Some days he gets the message other days he doesn’t.  The days he doesn’t its a hard conversation to have.

Yes we are all for kids getting along.  Yes we are well aware that at this age kids go back and forth and are learning how to socialize. The same rules that apply to me with other adults do NOT work for kids.  However let’s also keep it real and stop acting like some of these kids already come in the door with whatever they have at home and spew the most hate, the most vile words on other kids and in the name of letting kids be kids we give these kids many chances in hopes they will fare better.  They don’t always fair well.  So we can’t just act like it’s not the case.  As a parent I would love to tell my kids that the world is awesome all the time and that they won’t have issues with other kids or other people but that is not the case.

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My conversation with my son is about helping him weed out those he thinks are bad news for him and show him how to make healthy relationships with those who want the same in return.  He needs to be cordial meaning just because there is friction, school work still needs to be done.  If his teacher assigns him to the student that he is having issues with then he needs to buckle down and get things done.

Parenting is hard and I am sure there will be someone who disagrees with my conversation but the beautiful thing about parenting is that it is an individual pathway per parent and its a collective pathways for the parents involved.  My only hope is that my kids get to the point where they don’t waste energy on those who don’t mean them well.  They learn to keep their peace with them and not get entangled with those kids who have ill intentions.  That’s my hope for adults too.  Stop giving your energy to the bad person in your life regardless of relationship.  If it doesn’t serve you, leaves you feeling less about yourself, etc then the point is moot, leave them alone and allow the right folks to come in your life. These are life lessons.  They should be taught early.  I want my kids to grow into confident human beings that know what they want, who they want, and to go where they are celebrated not where they are tolerated.  These lessons aren’t to wait to be learned.  These lessons are taught early on.

Day Off I Conquered You

I love my kids so please don’t take this blog as a compliant because it’s not. They are the absolute best part of me. They are what I hope the future has to offer. They are amazing and really good kids. However when you work full time after years of being a stay at home mom, it’s always a mental check when they have days off. I’m always like looking and keep tapping into my creative bag to make sure I am one step ahead of them.

I enjoyed being off and not having to rush back into the office. That was a major steal. Not having to set that alarm was like having the best and biggest cup of coffee ever. I only wished that my body had gotten the memo that I was off. I was still up as if I had to get ready for work. My son is a super early riser. So that means that at 530 we were eye to eye because he enters my room making sure it’s time to get the day started. I had to convince him that he didn’t have school and a whole lot more convincing that he needed to go back to bed. Most kids like my girls wouldn’t have moved let alone had to be told numerous times to go back to bed.

As my husband got ready I could have taken the youngest to Daycare but she got wind the day before that the older kids didn’t have school and the fight to get her up didn’t make any sense. So I let her stay home. I got up with all this energy and cleaned the house, started laundry, and leaped through my to do list all before 10am. After breakfast we were headed out.

We have season passes to Legoland discovery and its days like today and having those passes that makes me want to break out into a full shout like I was in church!!

There is no way I wanted to let them conquer me today. The only way to run their energy level is to make sure they are out creating. What better way than at Legoland?! Yes for the Mom goals! I was able to keep up with them while being able to not have to pull my hair out. They enjoyed this day which in their mind they thought I was so super cool. So armed with snacks and drinks we made the best of the day. I was able to come home to laundry just about done, leftovers from Thanksgiving, and a clean house. If that ain’t winning I don’t know what is!!

Oh and as far as activities we go more than once a month and I know that we haven’t done all that there is to do. Between the building stations, the movies, and the interactive games, there’s something for both parents and kids. Come prepared to spend no less than 2 hours. You will not be disappointed!

I was even able to get 2 workouts in today!! I pressed myself to go to the gym when in reality I should have been too tired. However I have goals to crush so with that in mind instead of grabbing a glass of wine and disappearing after my husband got home, I just used my last energy to hit the gym!! So as I finish this, it’s time for me to log it off and get some shut eye!!

Holiday Reminder-Watch your Children

This blog is meant to educate not to scare you.  As parents we are doing the best that you can to raise great kids but as long as evil exits we can always do better, and be warned of the dangers that our kids face:

Now I am a mom and I think a pretty good one. Having kids in this world these days has created the most anxiety as our entire purpose is to raise children that are healthy, supported, and safe.  Now what I am about to talk about is super serious.  As we progress into holidays and gatherings its important for all parents to be vigilant about your children.  Know where they are, who they are with, and stop having familiar relationships that you put a wall up because you think your friend, uncle, aunt, cousin, etc would never. I do not prescribe to that notion. Everyone is a suspect as far as I am concerned.  Not that I have ever had to wonder about anyone around my kids thus far, but just know I am not a blind parent to put more stock on relationships with folks over my kids.

First of all raise your children with the proper names of their body parts.  If you ask my kids they not only know all of the cute names parents give their kids but they know the names of their body and especially their sexual organs. Man-mans can only take you so far when you are teaching your son to know where his penis is and to know what a good touch and a bad touch is. Same for my girls they know they have a vagina and have been able to say it properly since they could talk.  I read a story a few years ago about a man who raped a girl who was around 3 and he got less time because the girl couldn’t properly say if she was penetrated vaginally or anally.  How sick that someone’s lawyer was able to get a child molester less time with that notion?!  It forever changed how I raised my kids and this was before I even had them.  I might have been pregnant with my oldest. I know some parents don’t agree but for me its important to empower them to know from the gate that anybody who touches them in a bad touch way is going to get the business from me and their father and I mean on site.

I check my kids when they come from other people’s house, have open and honest age appropriate conversations, as well as make sure they know that anything they tell me I believe. I also don’t force them to hug and kiss people to spare adults feelings. No they don’t and won’t sit on your lap cause you bought them a gift.  The appropriate response is thank you, not a lap sit. They don’t and won’t be made to be feel as if they owe you a kiss regardless of your relationship just so you can feel like an outstanding adult. Work on your own emotions. I have had family members say they need to give (insert relationship) a hug and as their parent I step up to the plate and kindly and politely let folks no, they don’t have to. I teach my kids to acknowledge them so in our house a hi, a hand wave is good and appropriate until they are comfortable.  Some kids need time to warm up.  Whatever the reason there is apprehension from my child, I just watch.  Kids have more sense than some adults and the vibes they feel is often not wrong.

The number one reason why I don’t force my kids is that I want them to know they have power over their bodies at all times in hopes they keep that power and if God forbid someone tries to take their power from them, it won’t be because they were being groomed by me to allow certain behaviors to continue that they were uncomfortable with from the gate.  I do not devalue their feelings on vibes they receive from adults.  my kids have said, why did (insert family) act like that, say that, etc.  They know.  We tell them there is no secrets policy as well. So we have told them that if someone says don’t tell, they need to be open to us and tell us anyway and realize that as children they aren’t wrong for speaking up.  Now with all of that background there could be an adult male or female that may try to take their precious innocence. I pray that it NEVER happens but will publicly state that my husband is licensed to carry so let’s keep it at just that.

Sometimes as you venture to homes to celebrate the holidays, you start to let the kids roam off. Be careful of that.  Not to scare you but you’re number one job at ALL times is to protect your kids.  So be vigilant in where they are, who they are with and around, and not to be so intoxicated, miscalculating, etc that you let your guard down.  I know of children and we all read of children who daily are being sexually abused, mistreated, preyed upon, missing, etc and I just want to be sure that my kids won’t have that story to tell.  I know I can’t protect them every second of the day, but I along with my husband are doing the best we can to ensure that they know they matter, they should be respected, and just because they are kids no one will just do anything.  I am more than willing to end relationships with anyone who challenges me about their safety. Our kids are precious, all kids are, and you can bet we will try not to allow foolery to happen.  So enjoy the holidays, but be careful that someone doesn’t prey on their innocence and use this jolly time as an occasion to take what didn’t belong to them.