The Worst Advice I Have Ever Received…

So I think bad advice is any advice that is strictly from another person that doesn’t take into account your life. There is not one word that fits everyone. We think that just because it seems like good advice that it will work out all the same. But that is not the case. Just like with life advice seems to be work out differently and varies from person to person.

So let’s get to it…..having children is so super natural that after you birth them you know exactly what to do. It is not as natural as everyone makes it out to be. At least not for me. I knew how to do the basics, but there are a lot of things that comes with having children that didn’t feel as authentic as the books and folks makes it sound. Let me squash all the folks that would love to try to “go up on Tuesday,” I love all 3 of my children. So let’s squash that now. It was never lack of love but lack of mothering skills that I thought I wouldn’t be enough for them.

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My pregnancy with each of my children were all different. Each pregnancy came with their own sets of issues. The bonding with each child also was different too. That is fine as I believe to this day that the difference with having 3 kids should always be taken into consideration with how they are raised. However when you add in the birthing experience and nursing, pumping or bottle feeding and all the things you must quickly learn, the natural instinct didn’t kick in like folks tried to sell me. Some folks said once the baby was out of your womb you would just feel like you had been having kids all your life. I have to STAWP you there, that didn’t happen. I felt like I was tired all of my life. I felt like I was overwhelmed all my life. I felt like I was not prepared all my life, but not one time did I feel like a champ of motherhood just from birthing my kids. I needed so much guidance. I got to shout out the mothers.  I don’t mean just women who have babies. I am talking about the old mothers that we lack today. It’s rare to find a mother of Zion like the old folks used to call them that would give you advice, had enough tenacity to listen, and be there for younger mothers. You see that, teach AND listen. It’s a lost art.

We love to tell folks that don’t have kids how great it will be. It is great if you are talking about the overall sense of accomplishment. We fail to tell folks the real of what to expect. Handing me my oldest child in the hospital came as a shock.  I didn’t get to connect with her right after birth due to her being premature and that made me feel like I had no clue who she was. I felt more connected to her in the womb than outside. Reality hit me like a ton on bricks. I knew how to feed her and told myself well the other things would come. It did but those first few months as she was sick, listening to everyone tell me what I was supposed to do didn’t feel as organic as everyone suggested.  I really wish I could go back and set a few folks straight about a few things. Having a baby is an outer body experience. There are more times that I felt like I didn’t know what to do or who I was becoming. That has nothing to do with the actual child but the preconception of what I believed as a mother in the early years. News flash, even after the 3rd child I still wondered if I having another one was a good idea. It was obviously, but that feeling of natural instinct is always shuttered by doubt and lack of information.

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Photo by NIKOLAY OSMACHKO on Pexels.com

I really hope that other mothers who I KNOW FOR A FACT have gone through this, would be honest. It’s not a lack of love for your child (ren) but its a lack of trusting in yourself or lack of information to the new expectations of motherhood. So let’s mark false to all mothers having this natural nurturing ways about them as soon as they birth. Overtime you get better. Over time you develop what your child needs. So although our womanly body is “made” to birth babies, the mind and the body and the emotions have to link together to make the whole experience better.  I applaud all women to understand that above thinking that it will all just come together like a jigsaw puzzle on its own.

Blackish Postpartum Episode

This is a trigger episode if you ever had or have currently postpartum depression.  I am going to be super blunt today, I cried throughout the episode and let me tell you why:

  1. I dealt with postpartum after the birth of my son.  I remember feeling like the biggest punk and failure because I couldn’t navigate through it.
  2. I felt isolated and therefore didn’t speak up to others not even my fiance at points throughout
  3. I had no support because especially in the black community black folks always talk that you gon be aight, go pray talk when real life ish is happening that takes prayer and action.
  4. I remember my mother in law being a huge trigger for me not because of her being mean but because of her personality and me not being strong enough to handle life at that time.
  5. Postpartum is real.  It should be discussed without shame
  6. I still reach out to moms and new moms in my circle because suffering in silence is unacceptable
  7. Please show love to a mom and be understanding.
  8. Phrases of get over it, you need to go somewhere and rest, it ain’t that deep, or you just need to get it together will NOT help a mom going through postpartum
  9. Sometimes medicine is necessary
  10. Postpartum is not a weakness.  Our bodies go through it during pregnancy and birth and its going to take some time to get through this new life.
  11. I do NOT allow people to make jokes of it.  It’s not funny.

 

Blackish did their thing on that episode capturing what its like.  I cursed almost exactly the same time I felt like Rainbow should have-watch it and you will see why.  Blackish definitely made sure all of the pure emotion of what it’s like to go through postpartum was like.  When I went through it, I felt like I couldn’t connect to my son.  I felt like because I had more support with my oldest that when it came to my son I was doomed.  I cried all the time. I blew up all the time.  I was in rage a lot of the time. I threatened to call the police on my fiance many times.  I had friends who saw me going through and talked about me like a dog instead of offering help.  I had family who gave me the eye when they found out, BUT I got through it all.  This very blog was created after I healed from that experience. It made me more aware of what I was capable of going through at the birth of my last daughter.  It made me stronger in the end.  It also is a good look for dads too.  They need support. They need to know how to approach the conversation and how to support themselves, their families and their ladies as they navigate through all of the emotions good and bad that pregnancy and childbirth brings.

 

Here is more information about Postpartum

This episode regardless of the title of the show (I know it offends some right off the bat) is a MUST see for all!

Mommy Loves You Notes

So I get it when your child goes off to the land of education there are far more things to be worried about other than their education.  In this day and age you have to make sure you tell and teach your children what to do in case of a crisis.  You have to worry about if their being bullied.  You have to worry if they are in a position where another child or even teacher isn’t breaking them down mentally to where they aren’t attempting to harm themselves or others.  Whew.  It’s too much.  These are some of the things that when I was in school, I just didn’t have to worry to much about.  So with that being said, let’s fast forward to my daughter.  I am making her after school snack, and as usual I write mommy loves you on the front.  No big deal right?  Absolutely. I try to write this note on every last after school bag.  Sometimes if she makes her snacks herself, I add a little treat that she finds with a note. I’ve been doing this since Kindergarten.

My daughter says mommy can you sign your name on the bag?! I signed it not thinking of it. I finally asked her why.  So when she told me that the kids in her class think she is writing her own notes and that there’s no way her mom could love her, I got mad.  I know my response should have been off the cuff in a loving manner and deal with my daughter and I did after my first 5 second reaction which was pissed.  How dare some child think that as sweet as my child is that her mother wouldn’t love her enough to say I love you to her daily.  Then as I went into parent mode to love on her, I reminder her that she is too lovable for me not to write I love you everyday.  She smiled.  I felt like I had won.  However I further explained to my daughter that some parents may forget to give these little reminders to their kids. I told her that some households have a lot going on but in our households above making sure they have what they need, the most important need is showing love.

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Now let me be clear before the pitch forks of parents start rolling into my inbox, my letters to my child or the notes on her snack bag doesn’t mean I love mine any more than yours. It means that is MY way to be able to show her love and she looks forward to my messages. The message I needed to make clear with my child is that she is loved in this way and there are some homes who don’t take the time to show love. That is a fact.  You don’t have to like my fact but if you are bothered by it, than step up and do what’s best in your home. Far too many times we exchange gifts and electronics as means of love when reality is some kids are dying for a hug, a kiss, or just a few minutes of your time.  I am no where a perfect parent but it doesn’t matter if I will be late to spend a few minutes in prayer with my kids.  I make sure that above all that before they leave me that any issues had our squashed.  You know why?  How many children have to leave their home and never return where parents say I wish I had said I love you.  Now that my daughter is of school age, my stress is always up every time she goes to school.  I need her to know that I love her, I am here for her and her siblings, and that if anything should go down that her last impression of me is love.  It doesn’t matter if there will be times when she doesn’t like me, I love her and she will know it.

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Listen every mother has a birth story for every last child, but my life has literally been on the line for my children and I have gotten every dramatic life altering thing possible during my pregnancies.  I loved them before I even met them.  I want them to know that above any thing I ever do or give them.  I don’t know what the future holds for my children, but they have to know that there is someone in this world that loves them unconditionally.  I and her father will be that to them.  Now for other parents, aunts, grandparents, friends, etc. reading this blog. Let’s do better.  As much as I want to say that the child or children who made the comment are off as 2 left shoes, the real issue is that the child or children are growing up in homes where this seems abnormal.  Even if it’s not in cute notes, please make sure that the people who you raise, help raise or influence KNOW that they are loved.  They should see the manifestation of that love in more than your responsibility to them.  Yes you have to work, sometimes under paid and deal with the most ugliest of adults in how their spirit and mouths are towards others, but it cost nothing to give an extra hug. Please show kindness so our children can see this around them.  I am reading too many stories of kids killing themselves and they aren’t even out of elementary school.  We aren’t doing enough to surround our kids with affirmations.  I know we are busy.  I am busy.  I however pledge to make a difference in the lives of the 3 that call me mom. I would rather what I want to take a back seat so that they aren’t on some couch of a therapist over some stuff I did or didn’t do for them.  I want them to be sound individuals who know what love loves like and what it feels like.

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Please increase love and how you show love in your homes.  Our children are hungry for the affirmation.

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Mom Tributes

I love you more than I love myself.  I’m working on that.  You always taught me to make sure I was secure.  I want to be the mom that you are but in my own way.  You paved the way for me to know what real love is. I am honored by your presence.  I love the way you stand behind me as a force but you allow me my own strings to reign.  I love how you always know the right words whether its a praise, push or small voice that says that’s not it.  You have never told me NO.  You only said that’s not it to empower me to make good decisions.  You never allowed me to not have a say in what happened in my life.  I feel like I can do anything.  I love you mom I wish the world had the same type of love I have in you. Love Amanda.

I love you because you are love.  I have never had to think I was alone in the world. You were always a light and a guide.  As you aren’t here to share in my dreams I know you are watching over me.  I love you mom and I pray to be half the mom you were to me. Love always Carrie Ann.

Mom, there aren’t enough words to express how much you have been to me. I love the fact that you are just so calm where if I was in the same situation I don’t handle things as graciously as you do.  I’m working on that. I love the fact that you never raised your voice. So many are yelled and scared into submission you just simply made a statement and we knew better.  I love how patience with me you have been over the years.  I was a mess especially in my 20’s and you did NOT disown me or belittle me.  You gave me my space and let me know if I needed you, you would be there.  Thanks is such a small task for all that you have done.  I love you.  Michelle Lynn

I wish you were here.  I love you.  I need you.  God needed you more.  I pray that I am able to be half the mom you were to me.  I cherish every last moment up until your dying day.  I honor you now as I have honored you when you were here. I have no regrets of words not said.  I meant every I love you I said.  Mom, please be honored in my life.  I love you… Anonymous

 

 

Do Everything Mom!

Moms really are the best multi-taskers there is.  When I was going back into the working world after being a stay at home mom for almost 3 years I would be asked what skills did I obtain during my break. I would always highlight what a day would be like without getting too personal with potential employers.  End of day moms are expected to do it all but there are moments when we have to let the bottom fall.

Yes I said it, judge me but you have to allow some things to hit the ground.  As much as every mom has an imaginary S on their chest, the reality is that we are human.  We will forget, we aren’t always available, and some times we are just incapable.  We are strong but we aren’t statues.  So when is it time to let some things go?  Here is my list:

  1. Yes you will always be mommy, but when grown kids get grown or even when they are teenagers and “get grown” sometimes the hands off approach is more beneficial. There are many times when you can assist but any assistance that stops a grown person from being what they need to be needs to stop.  If you stop paying their grown rent, they will be forced to get a job.  If you stop rescuing them out of ALL their stresses they will grow up and deal.
  2. When your personal health is in jeopardy, please stop.  I have kept going even when I was sick.  Let’s face it moms don’t always have a supply of folks to call because they are ill that will come to their rescue.  So when you are down, and can get help, get it. You don’t have anything to prove. Learn to say NO and don’t let mom guilt get to you!
  3. When it’s something where you are going to uphold them in their wrong. It’s one thing to agree with your child grown or not but we all know right from wrong.  If you find yourself in a situation where being their mom means putting up with their wrong, abort.  You can love your child but not love the things they do, get into, or the people they associate with.  Learn that valuable lesson and step back.
  4. When the lesson for your child is more important than your ego.  Sometimes as mom we want to do it all so much we forget that everything we do is a lesson.  So if the lesson is going to better improve the child grown or not, than let it be.  Don’t let your I just want to get it done go over the lesson.

One of the things my own mother has taught me is that we need to raise our children for the world.  Meaning there are a lot of things we want from our children that are sometimes for selfish reasons.  We see our kids being disrespectful and we think it’s cute so we don’t correct it.  The issue is later down the road they continue with the bad behavior and someone else now has to deal with your little precious and they aren’t all that precious.  A mom’s job is never always as clean-cut as we would like but you have to create balance with ourselves and our family.  There are so many over worked moms that don’t have the means to cut out all of the stress.  I am a firm believer that where you can cut, please cut!!

Tributes to Mom

My mom is the kind of woman where everyone around her genuinely wants to be around her.  She is patient, kind, and puts others above her.  She has been such a beacon of light. I know for a fact that she was the envy of all of my friends.  Sadly on October 4, 2015 she took her last breath. She was battling cancer and God called her home.  Cancer sucks but I feel good knowing I did everything I could to give a portion back to the woman who gave me life.  If I could do it over again I wouldn’t change a thing.  My mom taught me to live in the moment.  I cherish every kiss, every phone call, and every hug.  I long for those hugs and kisses now.  Mom, I love you and hope you are proud of me.  Love Always Adrienne!

Mom, I love everything about you.  I love the way you cared for me as a child.  I don’t think anyone had a better childhood than me.  I love the way you still are caring to your grand-kids.  The type of relationship you have with them is unmatched.  I hope you know that you are loved.  I enjoy learning from you now that I am grown.  I love the way you empower me to be strong and to do things my way.  You empower me not to be like you but to develop my own sense of motherhood.  Thankfully because of your example I am able to show the same attributes to my own kids.  Thanks for everything you do and who you are to me and my family.  Love you mom, Carrie!

I love my mom so much!! Naila

I love the way you cook for me! MJ

Thank you for never giving up on me even when I let you down the most.  You could have turned your back on me a thousand times but you didn’t.  When I made some of the most horrible mistakes you loved me through it and never judged me.  I knew that even when the world talked down to me and about me I could count on you to be there.  When I graduate this May that degree is for you.  I know you are proud of me. I really wish you could be there but you are looking down from Heaven.  I did it mom, we did it!  My life is so much greater because you were in it! I love you and I can’t express how much I miss you. Love Angela!

Mom heaven could have waited. I needed you more and I still need you.  I need you to help guide me.  I need you to teach me how to raise my own family.  It’s been 3 years and the pain is as fresh as it was day 1.  Some keep telling me that it will get easier with time but I can’t see that right now.  I miss all of the things we should have done together like pick out my wedding dress, or be there to fix my veil.  I really want you to know that a picture of you wasn’t enough.  Gladly Ronald is there to help me when I want to cry.  He is a great man mom and you would have loved him.  Nothing will replace the love we share.  I honor you that and with that we are naming our first daughter this July after you.  Her name will be Michelle Marie just like you.  Thanks for all you have done for me.  Continue to watch over me and little Michelle as she grows.  I’m scared mom, but I can honestly say you taught me to be ready for everything.  I hope I can be a great mom like you.  Love Trina.

 

 

The Angry Mom

As we continue the mom’s week series.  I will post multiple blogs since we only have less than a week right?  Right.  We are talking about the angry mom.  You know the mom who is so upset that all she does is curse her kids.  You can hear and see the angry mom screaming at her little ones. The little ones are the ones who are caught in the middle. There could be several reasons why the angry mom is angry.  It could be from a bad day.  It could be that the relationship between her and the child’s father is not what she wants it to be.  None of the reasons are ever a good excuse.

Now let me pause and correct the misconception of a mom who is angry at something to that of an angry mom.  A mom that is angry is just a frustrated mom.  She is very upset about whatever may have taken place at that current moment. However the angry mom and the way she spews her verbal attack on her kids is something different.  No its not okay to call your children out of their name.  Sorry.  It’s not okay to tell them that they will never be anything just like their father.  Sorry.  It’s not okay to tell them they are lazy, good for nothing, ugly, etc.  Why? As a mother we are responsible for being the first person to shape their minds.  How can you expect good to come from the negative put downs?  Let me guess, they are expected to have never been here before and push pass your foolishness when you as an adult won’t push past what’s causing you to act like that, right? Wrong.

Nothing irks me more than seeing that type of ugliness on kids.  I have heard the angry mom call their kids little muthafuckers, bitch, bitchasses, you name it I have heard it all.  I say to myself what in the world would push you to the brink to stoop this low for a child? Than we wonder why these kids have no respect for themselves or others.  We wonder why they are acting out.  I would be too if all I knew was ugliness.  Not to ever high five it but I do understand it.  I know that moms but not all moms like to make excuses.  It’s always someone else who is responsible for our actions.  Let’s call a spade a spade, we are responsible for how we respond even if we can’t prevent the actions of others.  We have to do better.  I’m not bashing the angry mom but I won’t make excuses either.

Another form of an angry mom is when a mom likes her son but harbors issues to their daughter or vice versa. Or even has a favorite child (ren) and treats the others like they aren’t just as loved.  I have seen it with good moms.  I am always checking myself to be sure that even though I can’t parent all 3 of my kids the same that I give them all the same love.  Kids have different personalities and because you click well with one isn’t an excuse to mistreat the others.

My plea to the angry mom is to deal with your issues.  Never talk to your child in a demeaning manner.  Never allow your issues to rub on them.  Check yourself.  Even in discipline if you can’t do without anger, than take a break and come back to the issue. I would even suggest counseling.  Sometimes we do things because it’s what we know.  We are used to certain environments. That will only carry you but so far.  When you know better you do better.  So how about we get it together.  My only goal as a parent is that my children don’t have to recover from their childhood.  To be honest I could care less over being a health nut mom, a natural mom, an over protective mom if my kids are sitting on someone’s couch telling them something I did damaged them.  As mom week progresses and you notice you are an angry mom, get help.  Outsource.  Get under a mom that has some of the qualities you want to portray to your little ones.  Whatever it takes but let’s end this cursing our children, slapping them out, and disrespecting kids because of your internal issues.  There are many women out here wanting to be a mom who will never experience bringing life into the world.  Do the right thing!