Ask Toi: Hump Day Edition

The question is how does our reader communicate to her boyfriend that he needs to stop promising the world to her during sex…

Well this is a good problem to have. In one sense know that during sex a man would just about empty out there account to you if it meant getting more. However it can be off-putting to hear it every time you have sex. I would just mention it obviously when you’re not in the moment. You have to bring it up so that it doesn’t mess up your head and then no one is having a good time.

Also know too if you leave it alone and don’t mention it at all it really could just be how things happen. Meaning men say dumb things at the point of climax. Most men barely follow through. Men make a lot of promises during sex. If he is saying weird things he wants to give you that you really wanted or needed and then falling by the way side with the come up, there’s a problem. If he is making promises on dumb and unattainable things then understand the other “head” is doing the talking. So if he promises you marriage or brings it up during sex but outside of the bedroom hes mute and you want to be married, let him know it’s not ok and that it has to stop.  If he does tell him how disheartening it is to have these conversations with him when he is doing it for the wrong reasons.  Climax produces a lot of amazing feelings but playing with your emotions isn’t one.

If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you want to stop having sex with him its worth a conversation.  However this is why women hold an amazing power.  We have the ability to really take a man down with that power. Speak up and find other ways to have some sexy talk during your sex sessions.

Side note for men: don’t tell a woman you gonna give her anything you can’t really give her once you wash up and leave. Talk that talk that can be backed up and not when we backing it up…..

 

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Sunday Message: Stop Fighting

When I was younger I didn’t get into a lot of fights but the ones that I did get into I definitely finished them. Fighting back in the day was a means of survival. I definitely wasn’t the one to start a physical fight but like my mom always taught me don’t write a check your behind can’t cash, so I made sure I protected myself and my twin.

As I got older I’ve gotten into more verbal altercations than physical. Contrary to most I can handle myself. Words can sometimes be more cutting than fights. Up until a few years ago I would go in on folks. My personality is strong. I’m usually quiet and reserved but is pushed or provoked I’m not the one to back down. I’ve learned that some fights aren’t even worth it. Some back and forth rob you of peace. The last big verbal altercation had me pacing back and forth, heated, and ready to escalate. I knew I could easily make it physical and after 30, unless my kids are in danger, what’s the point?!

So why do we engage in these types of fights? To prove ourselves right? Then what? What do I gain? Nothing. So now I try not to engage with people who I know I might lose my cool and over the last few years I’ve spent more time working on me. Working on my triggers so that if ever confronted again I’ll pass the test. Working on why the issues began. Some of it goes to my childhood and some unresolved issues that I didn’t speak on.

I was talking to a friend and she was telling me about some folks she rarely sees. On average she sees them maybe once a year. I understood that when with a yearly visit how irritating some people can be. She was putting into plan all the things she was going to say. I stopped her and reminded her that she needs to not focus on what to say to them but how to maintain her peace. She was more worked up on making her points to folks who could probably care less. I encouraged her to switch the plan. Instead of being in defense, lower her defense and just be cordial. If anything is brought up, deal with it and have an exit plan for herself. Of course she hit me with the but you don’t get it. Mind you I had been listening but the whole time she hasn’t realized all she is doing is giving life to someone she only interacts for a year. She was giving them the power of dictating her emotions about the issues instead of dealing with it.

She’s going into the situation with her arms up to jab instead of being protectant of herself. She’s ready to fight. She has no idea what has changed in a year. I’m not saying her feelings aren’t valid. They are. However you can’t let your feelings to take complete control. She has to interact with folks or remove herself completely. The middle would be cordial until they aren’t. There’s always a middle. In her situation for her to not interact at least on a case be case measure would be a domino effect to her main relationship. I could hear that she was getting it.

After she calmed down from thinking I wasn’t listening, she started crying. FYI she’s given me permission to share this story. She had been getting sick and doctors were finding nothing wrong with her. She allowed the stress of the people she had a bad interaction with to stress her for over a year. She doesn’t know what the other party was going through but she has allowed it to get so bad she was sick, losing weight, etc. I let her know that maybe it was time to figure out her part in it and hers alone. She had to deal with her. She had to either be willing to be on a hi and bye with them or remove herself from them altogether.

It was time to stop fighting. She was fighting alone. She was losing. She was losing horribly. I asked her was worth it to make whatever point if at the end of the day you are the one bearing the pain alone. When I asked why the argument started she said she didn’t remember. I reminded her she would always remember how she felt and it’s valid. However release the pain and it may mean walking away mentally and emotionally and dropping the charges. You will remember. It will sting at points. However she didn’t need to hold onto it. She wanted an apology. I asked her in order to open the door for one was she willing to sit down and speak to the other party to get it?! She said no.

We fight so many battles. Some battles it’s time to be about that life. Just because I see things differently doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ever turn up. It just means I take into consideration which situations it’s warranted. Anything that robs me of my peace is not worth it. She asked me how did I handle myself in the aftermath, and the answer is simply prayer, counseling; and space. I removed myself from the issues and got clarity. I’ve seen some of the others involved and nothing on the inside of me is mad or upset because instead of making them a focus, I focused on what I didn’t do right, how to be in control, and where I can improve. I switched the energy and dropped the charges. I let her know I will most likely never get an apology but I didn’t have to walk around in defeat.

I’m glad to say that she has begun counseling to help her though it!!!

Pick and choose your battles! Everything ain’t worth the headache. Sometimes situations happen to reveal things in you. Always look in instead of pointing the other way. Yes others can be wrong as two left shoes, but if you still are holding onto the he sting or the situation who loses? You. Listen to your conversation. What you are still dealing with will come out in your conversations. Out of your mouth runs the issues of the heart! If you still talk about it especially consistently, you may not be completely healed. If you’re not healed, you are walking in pain and that pain has more consequences for you than them.

Ask Toi: A man I’ve been dating for months has gone stale in communication, what should I do?

This sounds like he’s ghosting you. Ghosting is when someone you’re dating or dealing with no longer answers calls or text messages and is unavailable.

First of all, understand that some folks avoid difficult conversations. He is definitely not interested or has more on his plate and is unable to or doesn’t want to add you into the equation. There could be a thousand reasons why. It’s not your job to figure him out. Your job is to not take on his lack of communication as means of figuring out your worthiness of being in a relationship that meets your needs.

I can share that I’ve been ghosted in the past. However when I went back and thought about the surrounding signs that I paid no attention to it made sense. I had been ghosted by someone who didn’t have his stuff together. He didn’t have a place of his own. He was almost nomadic or basically going from one spot to another. So I didn’t fit the bill of fostering that situationship and was ghosted. It was cool while it lasted. I spent more time than I should have worrying about what I could have done for someone who wasn’t worthy of the amount of energy I gave. Don’t be Toi in her 20s. Be smarter than I was. Know your worth and add tax. Dating was hard in my 20s and it’s harder now!

This man may never reveal his why. You may have to gather yourself and move along. It’s hard! It sounds easier said than done but it’s definitely necessary. Chalk it up to dating in this world with inconsistent players.

Going forward pay attention to the signs. When something sounds off, acts off, or behaves off, it could very well be off. You would be better off without the headache.

If it’s that he isn’t being as consistent as he once was in terms of communication, Ask. It could be that he does have a legitimate reason. But don’t be fooled into I was bust explanation. Busy people still prioritize their wants.

Good luck!

Christmas Fun: Story time with the Polar Express

So not bad for a Friday night but we decided to go to the Barnes and Nobles story time of the Polar Express reading by Chris Van Allsburg for the 30th celebration!!

The reading included hot chocolate and cookies and Christmas carols. It was an amazing time.

The kids enjoyed wearing their pajamas outside the house!!! I enjoyed the fact that there’s no place I would love to be than in my favorite store of Barnes and Nobles.

We ended our night with you guessed it purchasing books!

Take some time to Google free events in your area especially around the holidays. You will be amazed of the fun you can have!!

Monday Motivation: Checking in on Others

The holidays are in full swing. Its going to be so much going on and before you know it the year will be over. Why is it important on a Monday to talk about checking in on others? Strong people have a tendency to hold themselves in and not really open up. You can send a text and get a response that things are fine but there is something uniquely special about a phone call.  People’s voice and really making sure they are okay are important.

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So slow it down a little bit and make a list of friends and be sure they are okay. There is something that it pushes you when you do. If you speak to your friends and you  hear that they are truly good, it inspires you. If they aren’t it will inspire you too to either help where you can, offer support, or make you change how you live your life. We can’t lost the connection to one another. I love technology its an important tool, but it can’t replace human to human connection. It’s important for us to reach out to our loved ones. I make it a plan to do my best to call my grandmother at least once a week and sometimes more to be sure she is okay. You have to check in on others. I am even going to check in on a few family members that I haven’t done a great job in checking in on this year myself. It’s just a way for us to take a step back and put others above ourselves.

If you are super busy like me, set aside some time and dedicate to making at least a few minute calls. If you think the other person may be long-winded, I love to call folks on my lunch break, on my way home, or on my way into work. It’s a great way to have a mid-day pick me up or a way to make sure you get it done  and I can cut the conversation off and get back to my day. You may be thinking well wasn’t the point to check in? Yes that is still checking in. You don’t have to be on the phone for hours to check in. I believe in my planner so in between blog goals and planning, family planning, and life planning you can add check ins. You will feel better when you do this, trust me. This goal is just as important as anything else you have going on in your world.

Be vigilant in checking in on others. Be sure that those that are in your crew are okay. Make this your Monday goal! Maybe even rotate your check in lists. But make this a priority!

Ask Toi: Do you think people should go to counseling before having Children?

Yes and no. I think that if you have had things happen in your childhood that affects your ability to raise your children then yes. If once you have children you notice things that come up, by all means run don’t walk and go to counseling. If you feel like your childhood wasn’t an issue than no. Not everyone has bad childhoods. If you feel like you did or as an adult even before having children, you yourself know or can feel triggers. Also regardless of being a parent or not, you can see a counselor to help you get better at self-care. Everyone I believe can benefit if that is a choice they take from speaking to a licensed professional.  Having children will test you in ways that no one can prepare for. It takes a lot more than knowing how to keep a child alive, feeding, or housing them to be a parent. Each child is here on this Earth for a purpose but some people don’t realize that the child rearing years can push them further away from their purpose if you don’t keep a clear mind and watch how you treat them. What we say, how we talk, what consequences we give matters. They aren’t just dolls for us to take care of and show off. They are humans who need guidance and we as parents are responsible in how we do it.

What I know is that regardless of children or not, I for one felt triggered having my kids. Part of that was going through postpartum depression. I have said openly that I went to counseling and took medication to work through my own issues.  During that time of counseling things that I hadn’t talked about or dealt with came out. I worked through them and continue to work through them. It doesn’t necessarily mean that my childhood was awful.  It meant that I found as an adult things that I would rather deal with to be a better parent.  For me my ultimate goal is to be the best parent for my kids. All three of them have different needs. I didn’t have to feel after going to counseling that I had to treat them the same as far as giving them the same exact method in how they receive correction.   It’s my job to find out what works best for them to be their best. It’s not about me, my ego, what my parents said goes, what my husband’s mom said goes, it’s about them and being to them what they need, period.

I for one don’t like yelling. However as a parent I find that if I am not mindful I will do it. I don’t want my kids raised in a home with yelling so when I was in counseling its something that I worked on to eliminate it. I don’t even take my kids around folks that do a lot of arguing or fighting. Should I find that we are in that type of environment I will immediately remove my kids from it. I think yelling is unnecessary. As a parent I can speak to my kids and give them respect and expect it from them without yelling to get my point across. It doesn’t mean that my patience tank as I call it is always full. When I find that it’s not I apologize and work with my kids to be understanding. This I found out how to do in counseling. I had to let a friend of mine know who was keeping my kids why one of my kids responded the way they do to yelling. It’s not that I want to keep my kids in a bubble but I do feel an in control parent can watch how they speak and that’s just as important to the message.

I have talked to other parents who stated that things in their childhood didn’t come out until they had children. I would say be proactive in dealing with it. I know I am not perfect but if I am constantly checking myself and willing to tweak what I do where my kids are concerned, I know and pray they have a good outcome from that. Sometimes I also think, if my voice is their voice would I want my kids to yell unnecessarily to my grandkids in the future?  If I am putting them down, who is going to pull them up?  There are parents who belittle their kids and then when their kids do “great” things they take the credit? I don’t want that. I want them to shine because their support system behind them helps them shine! All adults need to have an outlet whether they are parents or not. If anything is on our heart and mind and talking to a licensed professional is a good thing for self-care.

Having kids will bring out things in your childhood if its left unchecked. That is a good and bad thing. To fuse two different upbringing from my husband and I and knowing that we can take from both and find what works for us with our own takes a lot of finesse. I would say if you are talking about having kids that you have some real conversations on how those kids will be raised. It’s not the time to wait until they arrive.  Counseling is another way of helping to deal with those difficult decisions for any part of your life not just parenting. Also be prepared for those around you specifically parents to say things like you weren’t raised that way. It is true.  A lot of the things that we do for our children don’t mirror my parents or his mom. However end of day you have to take into consideration resources available, times, and your kids personalities and they way they learn. I would rather support their way of learning and have them find ways to be that much better than to only do what I was taught to please any one of the sets of parents. Parenting for where my husband and I are right now is a lot of meshing. We mesh both sides and what we see and what we deal with when dealing with our kids.

If you are concerned with if counseling will work, I would say go to a few sessions and find out for yourself. I find that I feel better equipped for the time I went to counseling. I was given tools to work through me which in the end of the day will help in how I deal and heal with my kids. They are the best parts of me. I see myself in all 3 and I would hope the things that I didn’t master they master. I would hope that the things I wanted in my childhood I make sure they have and its beyond material things. I want them to feel secure in being them. I want them to be able to not hide who they are. I know they will not fit what I think they should be. I hope as they figure out who they are that they can count on me and my husband to love them through it. I pray constantly that I would choose my words carefully when interacting with them.

People give counseling a bad name. Going to counseling doesn’t mean you have issues with everyone, you’re weak, you are unstable and any other negative word choices people give it. The notion of keeping your business to yourself is the reason why people respond to life the way you do. You should be open to speak honestly about things without fear that if you do something is going to happen. Getting help is not a problem. You should be getting help and in that shows strength. If you are someone who needs a counselor regardless if you are a parent or not or if you are being triggered or not, go and get that help. I would rather someone be in counseling than to treat a child wrongfully indirectly because they were taught not to speak up.

Ask Toi: How Do You Deal with Being Uncomfortable Bumping Into Someone you Dated?

This encounter no matter how brief is always uncomfortable. I think its always in good gesture to if you can’t avoid seeing them to be gracious. If you don’t want to get into any heavy conversation to control the conversation and exit as soon as possible.

Also keep in mind the level of relationship. Dating someone may not necessarily mean that you were in a committed relationship. If that is the case, you may not have built up a strong enough relationship and that in itself can take the sting of the encounter down a bit. If this is someone you were in a committed relationship and they are an ex, it could get sticky. No matter who is at fault for ending things, you should remain calm, smile and again control the conversation. It’s perfectly fine to not have “time” to talk. This casual encounter should never to air out greivances unless both parties want to. It should be casual. If you see an ex or even someone you dated that caused you grief and you can’t be mature about it due to an issue that took place during your encounter together, its best to let them know that you would prefer that you keep it on a hi or a bye and then keep it moving.

Always know you are in control. Seeing someone that you haven’t seen may bring a plethora of feelings back but you are in control in how those feelings are managed. I have a few ex boyfriends and every time I control the tempo of the conversation and know that I am in control. I always remember that so when I don’t want to hear the mess that I left in the first place, I just roll. Now its easier since my kids are with me all the time. I have run into a few inside of a grocery store, and my kids are an automatic get out of a conversation card with just about anyone to be honest. With kids or no kids, you don’t owe anyone more time than your willing to give. Also know the encounter is going to linger inside of your head especially if very little conversation is had. I always hit the ex boyfriends with the basic, hey how are? How is your family? Let them ask me and then say it was nice to see you and roll. That’s really all it takes. Anything else and that means you wanted the conversation to linger. Turn the uncomfortable into a workable situation for you.

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Also they may attempt to not see you in that case, you won. If they see you and decide to not have a conversation which is possible too, keep moving. Do not I repeat make the situation more uncomfortable. This goes for folks in a fresh breakup-give that person the space they and you need! Get out!