Never Forgotten; Year One….

Well as many of my readers and followers know a year ago today, my mother in law transitioned from Earth.  It was such an experience.  This blog is dedicated to the memory of Deborah Ann Wilson-Storr.  We have lost a piece of her and we are trying our best to hold it together. This year has had so many ups and downs.  These are the things that I have personally noticed:

  1. Time right now hasn’t healed our hearts. My kids are still visibly moved by my mother in law’s passing.  My oldest will go to the gravesite but will not get close.  My son is still missing her and asking for her, but then will remember that she’s not here. My youngest was only 2 when she passed away but will say things like momma said….. Trust me it’s really spooky and the things that she says really sounded of things she would have said.  We were super worried that she was the one who didn’t have a close relationship because she was so young.
  2. Holidays and birthdays aren’t the same.  I try to still keep in line with what we would have done if she was here, but you can feel it.  I can’t think of a holiday where we as a family haven’t talked about her and what her presence not being here has meant.  She died right around Halloween and before Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It’s been hard.
  3. I notice that I didn’t cry as much as I did when she first passed but now I do more and its overwhelming.  I never thought what life would be like without her here. I always thought she would be a part of whatever we were doing and not having her here has been unbearable at moments.
  4. I include her memory in everything. I do not want my kids to loss her memory.
  5. My youngest still inter changes my mom and my mother in law’s name.  They call my mom Hanmom and her Mom-Mom and she will ask to go to mom-mom’s house but she really means my mom.  It’s not just a little slip up, we correct her and she is convinced. She has been asking to go to my mom’s house more lately.  It’s hard to know what a 3rd year old means all the time.
  6. Her passing has made me think of my own parents, and the relationship with my kids.  They are now the main grandparent here on Earth. I want them to be closer. However on grandparents day because of distance we had were honored to ask my mother in law’s best friend to stand in but I remember my son being upset and stating how unfair it was his grandparents weren’t there.
  7. As a mother I want to be sure that my words towards my kids are better.  I do not want any words between me and them to be in left field that when I am no longer here, they don’t have to heal from anything negative.  Her death makes me want to be as honest, right, and more loving to my own children.
  8. Lastly anger.  It has been weird and I try not to bother my husband about it, but I have felt angry at times. Like why there wasn’t more that could be done to keep her here with us a little longer.
  9. Not to take life for granted. I remember my mother in law had this list of these great things she wanted to do like take a trip to the Bahamas, buy a new car, or take her grandkids to Disney and sadly those things never happened. I remember when she was in the hospital and telling me what she was going to do, I told her that I would hold her to it.  Now she can’t and I will forever use that energy to do all of the things I possibly can. I don’t want to wait until later, etc.  I want to be sure that I live my best life daily.  So now I move differently in how I honor myself.  In this, will honor her and be a great testament to my kids at the same time.

Like I have said our interactions between my mother in law had intense moments like any other daughter in law and mother in law could have.  However it was always my desire to be closer to her.  What I enjoyed about her was her ability to handle her money and save.  She has taught me that. I know for a fact that I am a better shopper, a better woman of my finances as well as better at ruling my home because of her.

She taught me how to love my husband. My husband is an only child.  You can imagine above all else of what I have learned, how I may be mending, or how our children are doing is his emptiness.  She showed me how to love unconditionally. I always thought that was something that was so natural but it’s not.  She showed me how to handle people mistreating you, talking about you and still being yourself.  EVERYONE knows how it is to be in “Debbie’s world.”  She never wavered in who she was, how she felt, who she like, or who she didn’t like.  She was her, and she didn’t try to change.  She showed me how to love through people.

Whenever I hear my youngest talk, I say okay little Debbie.  She looks like her too.  My 3-year-old is the most sassy but not disrespectful child I have ever encountered.  She reminds me of my mother in law and I just look at her with a side eye at times just like I would my mother in law if she was here.

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One thing I would say with anyone who has a in law, to speak up for yourself and not be disrespectful.  I know that at times I came off as disrespectful and I have always admitted that there were things that I could have done like leave etc.  However I can say with 100% certainty is that I was in her full corner when it came to making sure she had the BEST care possible.  It was after I moved from her home that our relationship got back on track.  Also at the end of the day there isn’t anything that was done that I felt like I feel guilty about now that she is gone.  That comes from working things out and learning how to work it out.  I am not saying things were perfect at all, but we left things on the track it should have been on way before she passed.  Also keep in mind that regardless of what is done you can be cordial to an in law.  This is a respectful hello and good-bye especially if children are involved.    Do you know how hard it is to explain to a child while you were “being mean” to that grandparent?  Kids watch what you do regardless of what you say. However even in kidless marriages, it will still matter in how you interact.  You can put distance where it’s needed, I am for that. I did the same for a while too, but when you come back, try.  Always find a try within you.  How you handle those around you matters.  Also keep in mind, that just because you don’t like your in-law, they are the root of your significant other.  The love relationship they have regardless of how many times they complain to you is always going to be there. When that in-law transitions they will resent you if you have treated them any less.  They will not care what was done on the opposite end because the in law won’t be there to speak for themselves.  So be truly careful in how you talk, act, and handle this very delicate relationship. I am telling you it WILL matter.

Deborah, I know you are watching over us, making sure we give your grandbabies anything they ask.  I know you know we will not but you would want us to.  You would want us to give them as many kisses for you. I try daily to do just that and more.  The way you loved those 3 grandkids of yours was nothing more than I could have given and I am their mother. I pray that as we continue in this life, that your memory will burn bright everyday. I pray you are honored in how we move and live daily.  Until you can give me another side eye, I love you!!

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Our hearts ache…

Good morning

I am still fine tuning some of the articles and women that we will show case this month. There are a few things we must talk about that kind of are back bones of us all male or female.  Our parents.  Yes the parents that you have and the atmosphere for how you were raised sets the forever tone of your existence.  Don’t get me wrong you don’t have to be what your environment says you are but those who break from it do it because they work hard. It’s not something that you just do and its super easy.  Only those who know better will do better.  Those who know better and don’t make that choice.  We all have choices.

What I love about this women’s month s that women are realizing more and more everyday that they are capable of anything.  One of the things is left unchecked is our hearts.  You can be a CEO of a big company and still have missing pieces of your heart that never really get filled.  Let’s explore this more in detail.

Parents

How you’re raised says a lot.  If you were in a single parent home you can be strong but admit that there was a few things that you missed.  Having 2 involved parents is key. Involved parents who care about their children give children a level of confidence that can’t be described.  They are usually more adjusted than those who are not.  That doesn’t mean that 2 parent home kids are perfect and don’t have struggles because we ALL know they can.  Having one of your parents absent for whatever reason is a struggle. You long for their presence.  A child feels like they are the reason or feel unloved.  That unloved feeling can have them reach for things in their life that isn’t healthy but it can also have them replace things too.  For instance, a child could possibly turn to drugs to fill it but what is the difference between a person who reaches for drugs, sex, relationships or even things like education which seem to be good.  Yes even things that come off as being a better option can be damaging as well.  A person who school becomes their solace may get so wrapped into school that they aren’t even going for reasons to better themselves but just want to go to keep busy.  What happens when they can’t get any more degrees? They end up substituting something else in its place. There is nothing wrong with education. The point is that lack of one thing can make you gravitate towards anything to fulfill a need. Parents are needed to help develop everyone.  There are men and women out here needing the love of their parent and hurting in their lives because of it.

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One of the other things surrounding parents is when a parent passes away.  The hole that is left is indescribable.  There are some wounded people walking around.  Parents passing feels like you yourself have passed away and especially if it’s a mother.  That void never is right.  Some people respond to death in different ways.  Some people seem fine but literally are never back to their usual selfs even years later.  What you see as someone “acting out” could be them showcasing their hurt.  What we label people does matter.  I know of plenty who called others all kinds of stuff but had no idea that the one they were talking about was in deep hurt. If you do NOT know a person. I mean the  type of know where you know their blood type and you see them being whatever in your mind to help, remember two things: you aren’t perfect and you need to attempt to aid in their healing and not in their down fall.  To many times the ones that want to help aka talk behind people’s back especially in the name of prayer are the ones who need the deepest of knee time.  Stay in your lane if you aren’t equipped to assist those in real love.

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Past relationships

You can break things off with someone and still feel like you don’t have to go and collect pieces of you all over the country.  However some bad breakups can leave people so super wounded that they cut off a new budding love from even coming into their lives. We all have seen the super jaded person.  They seem so super closed off, bitter, and every negative thing you can think of.  I know some people who have called women especially everything from hoes and bitches.  The reason that irks me is for a few reasons, I’m not going to lie I have wanted to call another woman a bitch.  It isn’t right but depending on what took place that is how I felt.  However this is why I check myself.  Calling another woman out of her name won’t fix the problem.  So if I say it or a man says it, does that make the person saying it feel better?  No.  That woman can be a lot of things but I attempt to stick to the situation inside of defaulting to bitch.

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When you break up and the “gloves” come off is when either that woman can move forward and began healing or get caught in the back and forth of labeling. Same for men who women want to call everything but what they momma named them.  Break up sucks.Keep this rule in mind, if you don’t want to be called out your name refrain from doing the same.  The second thing is yes the pain is strong but knowing you walked away without having to stoop to the other person’s level means a lot.  It helps in your healing so while sorrys need to be given you won’t have to dish any out on the basis of an argument gone sour especially when 9 tines out of 10 first breakups result in getting back together.

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Choices

There are a million ways a heart can be broken.  We obviously didn’t talk about them all.  There is one person responsible for our healing is that is us.  YES, us.  It seems unfair that others can be the cruelest and leave scars that we have to work through but the reality is that no one will come in and fix it but you.  You can say that you are one way due to all kinds of factors but trust me when I say even the most supportive get tired of hearing the same stories.  People check out.  We often think they shouldn’t but they should.  People don’t know how to do deal with broken pieces.  People are dealing with enough even if you think that aren’t.  Even in a marriage we put emphasis on them to be there but reality is they can’t fill your broken parts.  You will never get the full response from them.  If you try to keep pushing for it you and you alone will be looking crazy.  Someone love for you can’t be measured in terms on how much junk from your pass you can dump ob them and they push the layers off of you.  Even if you are doing your work to get it off of you, keep going. Your partner can have empathy but they aren’t built to be a fixer upper.  This walk may have to be walked alone.  Stop destroying your relationships by giving people the title of Mr. Fix it that don’t want it.  They were designed to walk with you not hold your bags and love on you two.  They are also not to use your bags or baggage against you either.

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Check you.  It’s not an easy thing.  Professionals help people heal but again they assist not do the work, how much less pressure do we need to talk off those around us who have not one degree?  Ladies especially we have to fight through the garbage that has been dumped into and on our lives.  No it’s not fair but life isn’t fair. Would you rather be whole or walk with your holes where you and everyone can see? Take charge and know that life hurts. Know that things aren’t going to be easy.  But you can take charge of your life.  DO it today.

 

Cat Fight Chronicles

You know there’s a thing about women being catty.  Not all women but quite a few.  The reason in my opinion as to why there are so many catty women in the world is that we don’t have enough women who are more interested in first building themselves and then other women.  Think about that. How many women know deep in their hearts that they see another beautiful woman and just automatically compliment her?  Think about how the beauty of another woman doesn’t take away from you but because you don’t even believe you alone are beautiful this woman who you 9 out of 10 times don’t even know intimidates you.  She makes you feel less than you are.  She makes you second guess what you have on. But SHE isn’t the issue the issue is more self-reflective.

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Let’s give you some examples. If you watch just about any reality television and it doesn’t matter what race of women are involved the formula is always one and the same.  You get a group of women together and pin them against each other and bam you have instant ratchet and success.  So we love to watch it but say we would never act like that in real life. The real reality is that just because you aren’t throwing drinks in someone’s face doesn’t mean you don’t dabble in cat fights.  You dabble every time you engage in meaningless conversations where you tear down another woman.  Some people like to disguise it as “lifting another one up” like you’re in a church click.  Some disguise it as keeping it in the circle.  The best way to know if you are catty is that if you can’t and won’t repeat what you say about another woman to her face especially a stranger you are officially catty.  Let me say to my I can dish it out and I don’t hold my tongue ladies, you do.  You don’t ever say things in the same intensity that you described it to another person like you would to the actual person’s face.

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Another example you and your man is out.  Your man glances not the whole look down of the woman.  Instead of acknowledging even if it’s within yourself that she is beautiful, is dressed nice, or has a nice body, the first thing is you slap him for glancing. Let’s not confuse this with the out right stare.  We are talking about a glance.  So deal with your man’s wandering eye but don’t knock the fact that the woman he saw is attractive in some form or else he wouldn’t have looked.  Unless your man is a scumbag and remember you choose him, than that woman isn’t getting his number just because of her attributes. She is not coming home with you unless you’re into that sort of thing.  There’s nothing she can do to your well-being or your relationship unless you allow it or your man allows it. She doesn’t take away from you.

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Another example its hard to date or marry anyone with children.  We all know that baby moms and dads can be a handful but the reality is that they are going to be apart of your life.  I know plenty of women who fight their significant other.  For instance if you watch Love and Hip Hop New York you have Yandy, Samantha and Erica fighting over who was first, second or last.  Who had Mendencees heart etc.  I could go all day on why it’s not even apart of anyone’s need to fight over Mendencee but the reality is this is a common fight among women.  If you are on the scene now with the love of your life and the other past women isn’t currently involved, etc than just build your relationship with the one you are with.  No need to worry about who was first unless you are the current in the relationship getting cheated on.  Always deal with your man and not the other woman. Cattiness will keep you on team petty and at the end of the day 9 times out of 10 either you are making you look stupid or the man you ready to bust someone one’s head to the white meat is making you look even more stupid.

Let’s talk about ways to be less catty.

  1. Grow up-sorry no cute little saying to make it easier to read.  You need to grow within yourself.
  2. Build self confidence-this is something we all need a dose of anyway.  The more confident you are the better at reacting and engaging with other women you will be. Confidence makes a huge difference in how you see others.  The lens of perception gets clearer.
  3. Tell women when you see something you like about another woman i.e  a nice pair of shoes, a cute handbag, or outfit that you like it.  This is called a compliment.  Strong women are able to offer these freely because they know it doesn’t take away from who they are, what they have.
  4. Smile more.  When you smile more it really does help keep your focus on what is important in your life at any given moment.  Women who are miserable tend to strike against others the most.  Misery loves company never forget that.
  5. Disengage in negative behavior from other women.  We are the best at ending cattiness by dismissing it in our own circles.

I am not suggesting that changing cattiness is super easy because it’s not but it can and should be done.  You will find that uplifting each other is the best thing for all of us.  Take for example the Women marches that have taken place since Trump has been office.  If we united like that on an everyday school we all would be winning.

Sunday Message

So yesterday was a bad day.  A bad day of bad days.  I was in my emotions. I was upset over what I felt others should do for me, talk to me, give me,  wah wah wah.

Was I right in what I wanted,partially?.  I wanted what I wanted. I make no excuses but I’m human. Here’s where I am wrong. When you find yourself saying the same things over and over again and you see there are no results.  Stop! You are beating a dead horse. No amount of tears will change, no yelling will change, you officially are now a bug a boo to yourself.

I had to channel the Toi of my youth. That time when I was 18 and I allowed no one to dictate to me what I can or can’t do.  Not in a disrespectful I do what I want tone,  but in the sense where I didn’t allow little things to move me.  I was pissed as hell yesterday. I got in my car ready to roll and as I sat there I realized a few things.  One where was I going?  What destination? What would be the purpose? Was this an adult tantrum? Once I got to whatever destination then what? Then I thought who would I call?  Called my parents they were busy living life and didn’t answer.  I could call other folks but after I got it out then what? Whatever was going on was on me to deal with.

So I slept. I used to do that after a beaten as a child. Sorry mom and dad but yeah I got a beaten but it was because I deserved it.  I felt like that yesterday. I felt like I had gotten my ass kicked and I was sulking. 
So what now?  After the emotional release nothing changed around me.  My kids are still tearing the house up and my husband is doing whatever he does.  I had not caused a single bit of change around me.  So now I’m sitting like the Grinch mumbling and life still went on.  Now to a person who is dealing with inner issues this isn’t a time to insert the old I shouldn’t be here song.  No you need to be here because you need to get you straight.

I actually saw my emotional fit happening since Friday.  I tried to get it out but I was talking to the wrong source. I was talking to a source who didn’t want to interject and a source who can’t get involved. A source that quite frankly doesn’t understand my experiences or my triggers.  So now it’s time to switch the audience. This was a question of how many more times will it take for me to get me right? Probably a thousand more times to be honest. 
So what’s today’s message? You are your biggest support system. You got you.  You have what it takes to get through any difficulty. You can make a difference in your own personal life. If you find yourself upset like I was don’t be a Grinch, get out and get right.  Stop looking for someone to rub your back and tell you it’s okay.  Eventually if you stop having the emotional outbursts you will find out if the one you have in your corner is really there or not.  You hear all the time that people are there for you and if you get caught up in how it’s dressed you may miss out on the help or find that there was no help at all. People are more inclined to do for themselves. You better have selfish moments where you take care of your bottom line.

I had a conversation with my mom a few weeks ago.  She told me to switch my focus. Not to look for solutions for the people around me but to get me together. At the time I had so many medical tests that I had to do.  Like momma said you ain’t got time to worry about who is there and who ain’t. She was right. I heard her voice yesterday. I heard my dad tell me to get my own so I would never be dependent on someone else giving me the life I deserved. I heard my grandma who would have said girl dry your eyes and wave a finger and move along.  The point in all of the messages is you and I have what we need and often times we know the answers. So do what you got to do and leave the rest alone.