So it’s Mother’s Day week and everyone is gathering cards and presents. There are so many whose moms have passed and they are grieving. There are a set of people who grief for their mothers in a different way and that is the toxic mothers.
Toxic mothers are different and difficult to pinpoint. For one they aren’t necessarily gone in the physical sense but they are gone in the emotional sense. Toxic mothers are the mothers who use emotional abuse to get you to respect them. Growing up they were the ones who might have brow beat you about every little thing. As you got older nothing you do is good enough. They talk down and about you to anyone who will listen. They are never caring in how they treat you. They mask the emotional pain with the “at least I provided,” speech.
Toxic mothers do their best to make sure that if you’re celebrating an accomplishment they are usually the ones that have a negative response and question why you were chosen. Toxic mothers call you every name except the one they gave you. Sometimes with words they blame you for your very existence. They aren’t nurturing in how they deal with you. They blame their upbringing as to reasons why they can’t. They make every excuse in the book but they want all the glory.
Toxic mothers have the same time effect as absent fathers. The scar of having a mother you can’t talk, relate, speak well of is damaging. You can’t ever be you in their presence. You have to walk on eggshells. They suffered some type of trauma but make you pay the bill of it. If you have kids, they pick up on your mom’s toxicity. They can’t ever just be kids around a toxic mom because she treats them 5 seconds better than you but not enough to be definitive.
Toxic mothers seem to want the most recognition. Some even believing you owe them. You must do for them in exchange for them bringing you into this world. Keep in mind if you raise your child they will grow up to respect you and you don’t have to use fear to do so. You must make their days special even when they use words to belittle you. Everything floods back to them. You can’t be a victim around a toxic mother. They tend to forget they were the adult and were in charge. If you speak up about how toxic a mother is they will use the words as “too sensitive” to describe why you didn’t get aligned with the bad behavior. You should have accepted your mother’s bad ways as “that’s who they are.” You will hear “I did the best I could.” You will never get an apology or acknowledgement of wrong doing. Wrong doing for a toxic mother doesn’t exist. You are to grin and bear even as an adult. The amount of self-righteousness that a toxic moms has can’t even be counted.
Mother’s Day is another trigger for so many. There are people who limit their interaction with their toxic mother to avoid having to see her bipolar ways. They don’t want to have to deal with the fake smiles on high days knowing that soon as the parade of pleasantries are over she will be back to her off putting ways. If she is married or in a relationship the mate of a toxic mother is usually aware of their ways and although disgusted by it turns a blind eye.
When people have a toxic mother the phrase “that’s still your mother” is often used to say she’s bad but respect her. It’s not okay to just simply respect her from afar you must be around her, dote on her, and smile with tears in your eyes to make other people feel like you’re “team mom.”
There are many who have made the painful decision to stop dealing with toxic mothers. When you know better you’re supposed to do better. You can cut off any person who brings you down except your mom. I think people in loving mother relationships forget that for how deep the love they experience is how deep the negative experience can be. For the sake of saving face, continue as an adult and come around to make mom happy. Give them gifts even when you they are no longer deserving. Even when they sabotage your other relationships. Give them even more when they use tactics like the silent treatment and alienation to control.
If you are dealing with a toxic mom there are so many in your shoes. You have to do what works best for you. You definitely need a counselor to help you shift in a safe space your feelings and not just someone who you can vent to. Healing is hard. Every person wants the love of their mother. Not being able to have peace with a mother who is alive because she won’t do the work of accepting her bad behavior is traumatic.
I wish all those dealing with a toxic mother peace. If you are a reader and this doesn’t apply that’s great. Have compassion to the many that it does apply. Do not tell a person to get over a toxic mother. However old they are that’s usually how long they been in constant trauma. Pain affects different areas of your life. If you’re a product of a toxic mother and you have children you are doing the next generation a disservice if you’re not actively seeking help. Don’t put your kids through what you already know is life damaging.
Sending you love and peace!