Ask Toi: What do you do if a wedding invitation was sent and replied to but you receive a letter saying you are no longer invited?

So the back history to this question is the reason given is that the bride and groom is over their numbers.

Let me give a sad face to the couple. Okay that’s all they get from me. I would not attend the wedding and forego the reception.  I personally think it’s super tacky to invite someone, have them send in their reply card on time and then you send a letter about being uninvited.  The reply card is exclusively for the reception. No one is charging per head to step in most public churches so this is about the reception per plate cost. Do I understand the expenses of weddings? Absolutely. There are so many that you love but just can’t accommodate. However have your final count before sending out the actual invitation. For me it’s as simple as not going and DEF no gift being sent. If you are planning a wedding please understand that this is the most tackiest thing you could do. It’s tacky even if you call your guests and try to explain BUT a letter is just plain craziness to me. 

I’m not saying don’t be their friend or if they are family cut them off BUT you can best believe an invite for anything else going forward would be getting the side eye. Who does this type of craziness? 

Fake Marriages and Why?

So every last relationship on this planet is different.  Not one is the same no matter how many similarities may exist. So my thing is that women do NOT need to be married.  I know men are measured by their careers and women by their relationship status but this is crazy.  The number of spiritual ceremonies and fake marriages is getting out of hand.

Now let me tell you where this is coming from.  I read a blog that stated that Yandy and Mandeecees from Love and Hip Hop New York after the lavish wedding they had on national television is actually not real.  I don’t know if it is or not but let’s say for argument sake it’s not.  I don’t get the point.  It’s technically not my point to get but let’s draw on a few things.

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Do we have to have these fake marriages?  It’s one thing if you have a spiritual ceremony and everyone knows hey we don’t want the necessary papers but we doing this because it feels right.  The other flip is to attempt to make it appear that you are indeed married when you are not.  Like what are you proving to others?  I have never felt the need to do things for an audience.  Like for instance the terms wifey and hubby irks the hell out of me.  I know its cute to say but let’s keep it real.  There are a number of couples that believe in their little hearts that they are that man’s wifey when in reality you are indeed not.  You are a girlfriend that likes pet names.  I don’t mean to burst your bubble but that’s how it works.  Let’s give a scenario, you are in an accident and your “hubby” dies, you are not the one they seek to make decisions .  Sorry you are not.  They are looking for next of kin. Bummer all that hubby talk doesn’t give you legal rights unless you were smart enough to get power of attorney and other legal documents lined up.

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I love when I hear people say they don’t care about a piece of paper but be the same ones posting memes about how men get licenses for their dogs and won’t do the same for their relationships while laying next to their “hubby.” If you don’t want to be married than so be it.  It’s not for everyone. I can respect it.  I am married and I don’t ever paint this happily ever picture like I lay in bed of roses and balloons all day.  Marriage is work and not everyone is cut to make it work.  So stand by it.  Please stop sending out messages to people to make it appear that your relationship is more than it needs to be and then want people to respect you as such.  Just stop.  Now Yandy and Mandeece may decide to be married after his stint in jail is over.  Business wise it makes sense but it poses a very important question.  If you can’t fully take on your mate’s issues on paper because it will cost you than what does it show you about the cost of your relationship for real.  Like I get it.  Legally Yandy would be held liable for paying back his fines and cost possibly for the financial responsible for his kids too.  However they paint this picture like she is more than able and wants to take on his kids.  I can’t wait to see how this comes out.

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As a woman who want to be a boss, can you just be in a relationship and satisfied or have you already given into the societies desire for you to be married so faking it gets others off your back?  It in all reality says you love a man but at the end of the day legally you are no different from any other woman in that man’s life.  I am sure she has gotten her paperwork in order that if she needed to take care of his affairs she can, but for the average woman how long you gonna play house if you really want to be a permanent house mate?  This isn’t for the women who swear off men and would NEVER marry.  This is the ones that lie to themselves and are just okay to be entangled with a man.  This is for the woman who is marriage hungry to take on a man’s name.  Be smart.  Find out what works for you and stick to it.  But stop the lies.  Stop lying to yourself as if you are more to that man than the pretty picture he has painted.  He just wants that milk for free and is “trying to get his shit together.”  How long that takes?  Let me guess its 10 years and you are crying inside and lying to your mom and girlfriend just like he lies to you.  You want marriage but don’t want to rock the boat or “hubby” will leave.  You better get in your own spirit what you want and take the fake mask off.  If you want marriage, make sure is for YOUR right reasons.  However don’t waste a quarter on a fake ceremony. I have said it before and I will say it again if it’s a ring you want, buy yourself one.  Do NOT however stop feeding a bunch of lies about that paper you really do want.  Be smart.  Be honest. Be clear.

Women shouldn’t have to fake it in 2 places and that’s the bedroom and to an audience of folks who could care less.  Speak up about what you need in and out of the bedroom.  Too many woman having to fake a lot of things and let with empty shells and dry sheets.  Do better.

Husband vs. Hubby

There really is no debate.  A husband and hubby aren’t one in the same.  I see so many women who have these long-term boyfriends calling him “my hubby”.  Okay let’s break this down.  This “hubby” of yours is someone you claim to be the love of your life. However this same man hasn’t made a step towards being a husband nor made you a wife. You are wifey.  This is the term we give as a pacification of marriage.

We love each other.  We working towards marriage.  We want marriage maybe in the future.  However he is not your husband.  You do not have rights if something goes left. You are wifey not recognized by the state, hospital officials, none of that.  When I met my husband and we were dating in college, we fell hard and quick.  It was such an intoxicating relationship.  It was nothing else I had experienced before.  He was my first so that just made it even more special.  We couldn’t get enough of each other.  I loved the smell of him good or bad.  I just wanted to be around him all the time.  You couldn’t tell us we weren’t made for each other.  Few things wrong with that scenario, I began acting like a wife and I wasn’t.  I was giving him wife privileges and again I wasn’t his wife.  One day during a break up he said he wanted to date other people.  It broke me.  It broke my spirit.  I learned a tough lesson.  I wasn’t the real wife that I had made up in my mind.  My wifey title didn’t entitle me to a damn thing.  He went his way and I tried to fix the broken shattered pieces. He appeared to be fine while I struggled to go to class, keep my grades up.  When I did attempt to date other people I found it hard.  I couldn’t focus past wanting him.  I had some extremely good suitors step up to me.  They wanted the same things I thought I wanted but the pain of my hubby breaking my heart left me battered.  It took almost 2 years of healing and no contact with him to get myself where I needed to be.

I think the term of hubby is cute for a split second.  The implications that many women take with the term can be deadly. It can kill you in the long run.  Maybe you can walk away from a hubby and be fine and not have the same issues I did.  I say kudos to you for that. However there are a lot of wifey material women who have had their hearts ripped out of their chest for overstepping the dating line and allowing parts of your heart to think of your relationship where it’s not ready.  Let me say that as a wife now the areas I was engaging in when I was trying to be wifey weren’t good.  I am not only talking about sex.  I am talking about the place where you allow that man to live and he hasn’t earned it.  You allow this man to take a husband place and he may not even be husband material.  My boyfriend then wasn’t husband material.  He wasn’t a provider, he was a broke college kid. He wasn’t someone who could even care for my emotional needs.  He wasn’t someone who was a protector like a husband needed to be.  He was developing his own mind and figuring out what he wanted to be.  How could he be my hubby?  He wasn’t.  I gave him that place like a lot of other women do all around the world.

I watched the finale of Jim and Chrissy last night.  I promise you I hadn’t watched the season.  After watching how Jimmy had been with her for 11 years, how she proposed to him, how she gave him space in her heart as if he was a husband and he wasn’t and spoiler alert she decides to walk away….proves my point.  She has been called stupid and every other negative word but many women do the same thing. When that man wants to marry you and make you a wife, he will.  He will ask you.  He will set his life to start bringing you in.  However a hubby will do things here and there.  Hubbies aren’t bad men they just aren’t at the level of husband you keep telling yourself he is.  Stop giving these men these hubby titles.  You end up taking care of kids with him that may or may not be yours.  You start aligning your accounts.  What happens if it ends?  What laws will protect you?  Know those rights before you engage in hubby/wifey relationships.  That’s why they say playing house is not good.  I did it so I am not going to act all holier than thou.  I had 2 kids outside of marriage.  I am no angel.  But in those times when things would have gone left me and my kids in all sense of the word would have had to fight for what I should have made sure was rightfully mine by having my own.  Ladies if you follow my blog you know that I was laid off and moved in with my then finance and his mother.  I did what I had to do.  I also got comfortable too.  I should have been trying to get me together.  I did eventually but in the meantime of doing that even as a fiance what could I claim?  Kids aren’t financial aid packages.  They are no guarantees for a good future. My then fiance was great about and still is now as a husband about the safety and security of me and the kids but not everyone can say the same.  So do me a favor, love your boyfriend and be the best girlfriend. However know what your game plan is and if he doesn’t make you a wife stop giving him wife privileges.  Do NOT waste years of your valuable time.

Ask Toi: Why is it seem my married friends always down me because I am not married?

There is a sense of accomplishment when a woman gets married.  I’m not saying all women but a lot of them think that having a wedding ring and a marriage that means they have arrived.  What you have arrived to being married is dealing with another individual through tough times, having to put your own stuff aside at times to support another and another responsibility.  I am a married woman I think it’s a great thing because I want to be married. What about the women who are super secure and don’t want to be married? Let me guess the wives club think that because they are married they can snub their noses at people? Some do.  I am not speaking for all wives, I can’t.  However I know plenty of women that as soon as they got engaged make it seem as if they have made it and then everything becomes about when they get married.  It’s natural to do so because it’s a new season in your life.  I know plenty who did that and never married.  I know some as soon as they married it only took that mentality to another level.

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Which woman who act like they have their behinds stuck in a tree because they are married?  Women who already think they are better.  Women who treat other females badly will be the ones to gravitate to this behavior.  The “I am a wife” mode activates at the altar.  Marriage is for the couple.  As much as I can wave my ring in another woman’s face, no one really cares that you are married but the folks that took the vows.  I am not belittling the wives club at all.  But a lot of women rant about they are the wife as if someone can come and snatch their title like folks snatch chains.  You can’t make anyone hold you in high regard because you decided to make a lifetime committment to one person that you chose.  Marriage is a beautiful thing and many people love when you see a solid example of how to make it work but let’s keep it real, marriage is work.  Marriage is for the couple and a family.  It is not for the my singles friends can’t get on my level crap that I see time and time again.

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No wife needs to treat an unmarried friend badly over a ring on your hand.  I know plenty of women who are married to single-minded men.  I know plenty of women whose husbands talk down and badly about them due to this type of behavior.  Let me give you an example of what I mean especially if you watch Love and Hip Hop LA.  Brandy is married to Max Lux.  She barges into the studio on the most recent episode and because of a beef that another cast mate had with her best friend she thought that her husband shouldn’t work with that female.  Instead of pulling him to the side she makes a scene.  Yells I’m his wife I can shut down a studio session down if I want.  Que?  You can. Where do they do that at? You can’t come to someone’s place of employment and stop things just because you are a wife.  That’s not going to work.  But this is the premise of how some wives act. You are a wife and you are entitled to all the benefits that your husband and you make. This isn’t an act a damn fool card that you can wave in other people’s face.  Although I agree that single women have no bearing on what they can tell a wife in some regards I do not believe in cutting off my friends because of my left hand accessory either.  Every woman who is your friend has a value to add to your life no matter what stage you are in.  If a woman friend that you are dealing with acts like you may want to think a few times if this woman married or not should even be on your team. Oh and let me cut the well as a wife I’m not going to let someone disrespect me either claim, who are you around that is doing this?  If it’s that bad whomever these people are, you need to cut em.  No friend who is a friend would be doing disrespecful things to mess up a marriage so no need to use that excuse.

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Let me say to my single readers, I would never write something demeaning to you just because I am married.  Marriage is a status.  It changes your tax bracket and your life personally however you choose to make that happen.  It’s not a time for me as a married woman to act like being married is so grand when in reality if married folks would keep it real its one of the most demanding things to do outside of having kids.  It is time-consuming to not be able to just get up and do what you want but to think of another person.  Is it easier when you are with the one you love? Absolutely but in this divorce driven world, marriage and making it work comes at a price that if you are single be prepared to pay and know what you are getting into.  I applaud my friends who take their time and wait there is so much I learn from their wait.  Married women do better and knock this foolishness off.  Like my mom always tells me, you never know when you will be one step away from being single again so cut the crap and honor your marriage, your relationships in general and yourself.

 

Relationship Overhaul: Time to Go!!

So the next Ask Toi was how do you get out of a relationship?  My mom always told me it’s easy to get in one and sometimes harder to get out.  It depends on why the relationship is ending.

If you are in an abusive relationship and regardless of kids or not you must have a plan. If he is financially supporting you than you still have to be strategic.  At no time and hear me clearly do you just get in someone’s face and tell them you out. This isn’t the way to go.  It doesn’t matter if they are emotionally or physically abusive, get a plan.  One thing my mom always told me is folks got to go to work.  Your plan should always be when there is a large stretch of space.  You should continue your interactions with that person as you normally would not to give them a heads up of what you may be doing.  Always attempt to moves with cash.  Often times you can be tracked by joint credit cards.  Tell someone you ABSOLUTELY can trust.  This is key.  It can’t be someone who can be easily broken to spill the beans.  I would make a call to many of the abuse hotlines to get tips as well.  Make sure that when you call to do so from a prepaid cell phone.  Often times your mate if they are abusive have a tracker or some way of tracking your calls.  They will call to see who you called or texted in a day.  Do not allow this phone to be in sight.  Whatever you do learn to move quietly. Make back up copies of important files and place them or mail them to someone who will hold them for you.  That way if they destroy things you will have what you need.  Also along the same lines of tracking send your bank statements (ie always attempt to have your own bank account) to a friend or family member.  Remember its all about getting a trusting network.

Always make moves sooner than later.  In the news alone in the last few weeks women have done the above and still have ended up harmed or dead including their children. Please know the signs of abuse such as not allowing you to see or spend time with loved ones, controlling behavior, etc.  You are grown. Controlling behavior and jealous behavior doesn’t mean he loves you a lot neither is it cute to see a man or woman mad over you. These are tale tell signs that you need to pick up on.  Many men and women will harm you and then love on you and tell you it’s not you its them and they will do better.  If he pushes, he will hit you.  If he hits you he or she will hit you again.  Please be safe and think outside of the box.  Do not just continue letting it happen you are worth more than the negative words and evil that the person in your life is speaking over and in your life.

If you are just waiting to cut the string to a relationship that no longer serves you.  Know the reason why.  Stand on that reason and then make the best decision.  If you have talked about it and yet it’s not going anywhere, than do what you must.  Be clear.  Do NOT think that giving a person an ultimatum is going to save your relationship.  Most times it won’t especially when you don’t live up to your words.  If you are a person constantly making idle threats with no back up then best belief that he or she will not take you seriously. Understand one thing about ultimatums are for you not the person.  You need to have it in your mind when you are going to be done and stick to it. If you wont honor your own desires no one else will either.

People sometimes give ultimatums for marriage.  If you don’t propose by the end of the year then I’m out.  Think of a few things before you start making these proclamations. Outside of you being together for too long what else suggests that the person is marriage minded.  Have they inquired about their credit and if there are things that need to be fixed what are they doing to fix it?  What are you doing to fix yours?  What is the current living situations for both of you?  What are your goals and what are you actively doing to make it happen?   Marriage is not to be entered in lightly. It’s not something you do just because you been together for 2, 5, 10 years.  If you have done the things you need to do to be married and your mate hasn’t maybe they just don’t want to.  People make excuses for their significant other but if we step out and see it from different eyes, we can see intentions.  One last thing potential sounds good on paper but potential can have you sitting and sitting and never on the side of production.  So be clear with yourself.  You don’t want a hush ring.  A hush ring is something you get from a man who says here you go, get the thrill of the ring over with but then you will sit for another few more years still waiting to become the wife.  Is that what you want?  Make it about you not the other person when it’s time.  Do NOT revive or attempt to revive dead relationships. If it doesn’t serve don’t hope it to life.  Faith without works is dead.

Few things that I need to address.  Letting a man or woman degrade you, talk down to you, call you out of your name, talk to you any old way is something that YOU have allowed. The second that a person does any of the above they don’t respect themselves or you. These are automatic reasons to dismiss a person. Why in the world of love would you allow this? Yes being single can suck when you aren’t doing the things you need to do like making memories, having adventures because you are waiting for someone else to join you, not living to your highest potential.  You need to evaluate your life if you see a raggedy man or woman in your life being more important than a quality man or woman who protects you, loves you and cares for you.  Take that temporary L and get you together.  While you are enjoying your life one will come to you but you got to be something to join to.

Lastly since this issue isn’t addressed as much-women stop hitting men. I am tired of seeing women telling other women to hit their men.  I would do this or I would do that, stop. Even if you did you were wrong.  If he did the same thing you would have an uncle, daddy or some other male ready to beat the man up but its not okay.  Time after time we push men and then say you better not hit me.  Respect yourself.  You can be a pitbull in a skirt but still get got.  NO I’m not advocating men hitting women, haven’t you been reading? Nobody wants to be hit or pushed.  Keep your hands to yourself and teach your daughters and sons the same.  This mess has to stop.

Anniversary Behavior

So today is the day.  The day that my husband and I celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary. Can I be honest?  Today I’m just not feeling it.  No digs to marriage or to my husband I just didn’t wake up in this love over me feeling.  I know and pray that it changes but as of right now I am just glad for survival.  Last year I was on the floor looking for my diamond that fell out because we had spent a year in the “Big D” land and I was upset and crying my eyes out.

Let’s revisit that moment.  So I’m on my way to work and I notice that my diamond is no where in sight.  My ring was empty.  I was scared to the death to tell my husband but my anxiety took over and he was driving me to work and I had no choice.  So as we both searched the car, I had to exit the car feeling sick and lost.  All the petty arguments we had been having meant nothing to me at the very second that diamond was lost.  It wasn’t the value of the ring that meant the most it was what it stood for.

Had I gotten to far into petty world to not care about my ring?  Let me tell the story about the ring.  I was proposed to by my husband in this elaborate scheme.  He told me he had to take a business trip via train and he needed me to pick him at from the train station.  Mind you I lived in another city so I had to drive up.  He told me we were going to his uncle’s birthday party.  He picked and told me he would take my dress to the cleaners.  Nothing seemed out-of-pocket to me.  He has great taste and this was done all the time.  So as I pull up to the train station he gets in.  We stop at the house and then we go to the mall. We needed to get our daughter some new shoes.  We come home and we get dressed.  We arrive at the location and I walk into the room I notice first my friends from college.  All of my closest girlfriends from Penn State are here.  I glance over and see my family and my best friend too.  So I know at least my mom wouldn’t have been there for his uncle’s party our families just didn’t socialize together like that.  So it was at that moment I knew something was up.  Oh and the whole time we were running around getting ready my college friends were there too.  I didn’t hear or see them but he had managed to arrange them to be in the actual house, etc.

So then the PowerPoint presentation comes on.  It’s pictures of he and I over the years. Remember we met in 1999 so there some pics I hadn’t seen in forever.  Well he then proposes and it was a magical moment.  The ring was beautiful.  It’s everything I wanted. When we dated before I told him how much I love a Tacori ring.  They have very unique brands.  This man got the exact shape of the diamond, the unique band and it was exactly how I drew it in 2000. He remembered.  We hadn’t talked about rings even before the engagement.  He just listened to what I said years ago when marriage wasn’t even on the horizon and made it happen.  It took a few trips to several jewelers to put this ring together but he did it.

I felt like such a bad person.  It wasn’t my fault that the diamond fell out.  We had insurance but I felt like crap.  I did the most basic of work when I got to my job.  I was not in the mood at all.  All I kept doing was crying and retracing my steps.  I was just in such a funk.  Everyone was like its okay you have insurance.  It wasn’t about the insurance it was about a man who worked his ass off to get me what I wanted and I lost it.

I found the diamond the next morning on the floor.  I had snagged it against my clothes and I was relieved.  My outfit had severely loosened the prongs.  He took it back to the jewelers to get it reset, enforced, and cleaned.  I never wanted to feel that feeling again.  As much as we had true issues in that moment I knew that I had to do my part to make this work.  I didn’t ever want to take my marriage for granted.  We both talked and decided to do what we had to do. Yes we have still had arguments but we have attempted to make them as less frequent.  Although I’m not in a lovey dovey feeling as I expected myself to be in, I know that I still value my marriage.  I am grateful that we made it through the storms and have the tenacity to move forward. There are good days and bad days and days where you think Lord, what in the world, but as long as you do what you need to do, the bad days seem to pass.

Today I am going to do what I need to do to get out of this blah feeling.  However I wanted to wish my husband a very happy anniversary!!  I know that I can’t go by what I feel right now.  My husband has shown a lot of growth in ways I will never be able to write.  He has stepped up to protect me in ways I didn’t think he would.  We have been through some of the most extreme of situations.  Things only a person could read and say why are they still together.  We have loved each other since we met August 17, 1999.  It was that one chance encounter that sealed the deal for us.  We are friends.  It’s what we revert to when romance is on the edge.  Its what we stand by when we want to walk away but we know that we will be right back to one another when the storm passes.  There is such a respect there and I appreciate the ride that these 4 years have given us but I look forward to the new memories that number 5 will bring.  I pray blessings upon blessings for this new year!!

Fights Are Inevitable

I do not mean a full-blown out brawl.  The last time I got into a fight had to have been in high school.  However, fights will happen.  You are fusing two lives together to become one.  Oneness doesn’t happen at the altar.  At the altar is where the journey starts.  You don’t become husband and wife and begin to know every little thing about a person and just ride off until the sunset.

You have to get to know the person you married.  I don’t know what it is about marriage that changes things but it does.  I lived with my husband before marriage for about 2 years and we had 2 kids in but when we married if you stripped the new baby stuff, body image issues, etc that comes along with having a young family, we generally were having issues coming together.  We were in marriage counseling shortly after the vows.  Mind you we went to premarital counseling before.  There wasn’t a large gap of time from engagement to when we were married either.  However we still were not prepared for the issues that come from marriage.  I would love to be able to say that now that we have the big issues out-of-the-way that we don’t ever fight or argue but I would be lying.

My husband and I go through it when one of us is in petty mode. We have larger stretches of getting along than ever before but once team petty comes into play its anyone’s guess in how things will play out.  We both have done the things you aren’t supposed to do like hit below the belt, involve others, or even in my case left the house in hopes of not returning. FYI, I have never gotten past the block before I came back but it has happened.  So how does one fight fair, you have to remember the one thing is that you love and care of your spouse.  If you have lost respect it’s easier to let fights linger. Another way fights linger is from being hurt or angry.  There are some fights that start off small, like who left the seat up on the toilet, sorry men we know you did it.  Then those fights mixed in with high emotions, bad name calling, mean spirits can make for tight and tough situations.

Silent Treatments

I would be lying if I would say that I haven’t given or received the silent treatment. Temporarily they make you feel like you are in control.  If you lived in a home where this was a normal occurrence you then understand that silent treatments is to get an emotional advantage.  This can work against you if you have a spouse that isn’t moved by this type of emotional tug of war.  To be honest it’s something that you shouldn’t even do. Taking a few moments to gather your thoughts is one thing, going days and days without a simple hello is the playground that breeds more and more issues.  The flip to that is what my great grandparents who loved each other since they were teenagers said, never go to bed angry. You really shouldn’t allow moments of anger to linger.  We hear it all the time of people losing their spouses and their last words were about a petty argument. It happens all the time but we still gamble.  Think about if even if it’s the worst thing that your spouse has done, will it be worth it if you knew he or she would leave that day and never return home?  Would you be more willing to work it out and find a solution if you knew that the time they departed from you would be their last?  That’s something I keep in mind.  I try to continue to do the things I would have done for my spouse as his behavior should not stop me from being a blessing. I am responsible for my actions not his.  Again since you know I have petty moments I’m not fronting for my blog either.  I can be a pit bull in a skirt if I need to be.  I am aware of me so I make better attempts in keeping it cordial as I can.  Sometimes cordial is all I got.  That’s better than being mean, nasty, under cutting, or rude.

Hitting Below the Belt

This happens when you get in a debate that has taken you from stage one of mad to pissed off.  Now all of a sudden your spouse don’t do it for you.  Now all of a sudden his or her momma ain’t sh.. Now all of a sudden he or she is lazy and good for nothing.  Now he or she makes you sick, you wish…You were just booed up.  You were just in love and making others jealous but not all of the negativity has entered in and you need to snap at your spouse.  You want to say the meanest thing you can think of.  If you have been married especially in that first year until you get the memo that this isn’t the way to handle things, you know that words are easy to say but hard to get back.  The damage can severely hurt your marriage.  It can burn the love bridge you and your spouse are trying to build and maintain.  Be careful.  Attempt to stick to the tasks. There are a few phrases to avoid and I struggle from time to time with them and that is always and never.  These two phrases are kill joy for marriages.

Using Sex as a weapon

I touched a little on this on the sex blog but reality is that using sex to get what you want can create issues.  It’s usually more of an issue if you are the type of spouse who denies it to gain what you want.  Some people have had emotional scarring from a spouse that prevents them from looking past it to be sexual or even attractive.  This is one of those come to Jesus moments that needs to be checked.  Let me help you, you were having sex (for my non virgins) before marriage than all of a sudden you tired, head hurt, feet swollen, every excuse in the book you can think of.  I know of some spouses both male and female who only get sex on their birthdays or one major holiday.  What in the world?  You want your spouse to keep their vows.  Be sexual beings and only get it 2 times a year?  Wait let me get my calculator out for this one?  They are supposed to be on team faithful and not get any from their spouse?  How does this mindset work.  Again there are so many situations in between too, but if you are really trying to make things work you gonna have to make it work all the way around and get the help to make it happen.