Fizzle Chronicles

Oh love you are amazing! You give me goosebumps! You make me feel like I can do anything! Ever have that feeling? It’s amazing isn’t it?! However if you really been in love with the right one you know there are times when things can go left and quick! So how do you deal with the fizzle of love?!

What’s love got to do with it?

I think one of the many faces of love is work. We have been conditioned from society and movies that a man finds a woman and they live happily ever. So sweet! What we know is that happily ever comes from two happy, sound and whole individuals who arrive at a balance and work together. Love is amazing but without keeping it balanced will lead to this false sense of what love looks like. This can be super damaging.

Love stories vs Real Life

When I first got married I had every intention of having anything and everything say wife. Wife shirts, wife socks, cups anything. I was going to wear lingerie at least 3 days a week and make extravagant meals. Oh how television can be a real drag when real life hits! Can you do all of those things yes you can but keeping it spicy means getting spice and being realistic. I definitely didn’t meet that expectation I put on myself in our first year! However truth moment: I didn’t put any effort at all. So between being a sex kitten and sleep deprived there is a happy medium.

Celebrate the Moments

When I first got married I asked seasoned married folks what they did to survive. I got all kinds of answers but the one that stuck with me the most was celebrating moments. I talked to my husband and we decided to incorporate that in our own marriage. So we celebrate man-made holidays, our own fun and we celebrate each other’s successes and laugh and cry together at our failures. So that may mean a glass of wine for landing a new client, to celebrating each other individual success such as when I hit 1000 followers on Twitter for the blog. Every little thing is celebrated as much as possible. This keeps things light even in the dark days that come and go! The way you celebrate can be super small from a favorite treat to a great day night.

Women can plan date nights

My husband is A1 on dates. That’s always been his thing! From our first date to the most reason he knows how to plan a night for two. As I’ve gotten more secure in my own skin, I’ve stepped up to the plate. This means planning and organizing dates from the sitter to the drop off. I definitely feel like a boss when that check comes to me and I can happily pay for it! I also just like he does me make sure he knows he got to put out at the end! It’s fun! It’s fun planning and watching him enjoy a night just like he does for me!

Sex

We all know the one area that love can fizzle and that’s in the area of sex. I don’t know about you but whether married or not if I’m in a committed relationship, sex is happening. There are a millions reasons as to why sex becomes an issue. The solution is connecting outside of the bedroom so it can be lights out in the bedroom. If your partner isn’t getting what they need outside of the bedroom then the couple AND individual have to do their part to set it straight. Ladies I get it, but don’t let that man suffer in the bedroom because you and him aren’t willing to do the work outside and same for the men!

It Takes Two

Thanks to Rob Base we know a lot of things takes two and it definitely takes two to make a thing go right! Two individuals bear the responsibility in their individual and coupled success. Work needs to be done! Fizzles happen the most when you take your eyes off of the balance in life. Kids are a handful, work can be draining, and life well it can suck! However you have the power to balance yourself and balance the love you and your sweetheart have made!

Take the time to focus on the fizzle and spark it back up! You owe it to each other!!

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Anniversary Behavior: The What If’s

So this is going to be obviously from my perspective but in reality all relationships have doubt. Even if the love is on a thousand there is doubt. Doubt comes in many forms and pops up at different times but one thing I can say is I never doubted if I should marry Marques. I’ve always known it and told him when we first got together. However when life didn’t give me my perfect love potion I had to work on myself until we came back together.

College Sweethearts

Oh to fall in love like I did in 1999 should have been my first clue that this wasn’t going to be an easy match. I was happy to be away from my parents and just broken up with my high school sweetheart. In my head I just believed I would keep him on ice, conquer my first year and party like a rockstar. I had big plans! Then I saw this 6 foot something man who caught my eye and made me laugh. Initially I thought how cute is he but……I got big plans. I wasn’t interested in dating him alone so I secretly dated or attempted to date others. My thing was I had to keep within the Church or churchy realm so that was my small goal.

Nothing about Marques said church to me. It didn’t say heathen either but it said girl he could be the perfect middle ground. After some drama cause at that moment of my life I was about it, we finally made it official. He made me feel safe, he got me what I wanted, he loved me and loved on me, he took me to places I had never been and on a college budget trust I thought I was the ish back in the day! So once Love was established I definitely knew we would ride off into the college sunset. It didn’t happen and with some years and distance between us obviously we made it back to one another.

The proposal

I was semi blindsided by the proposal. I told him that he had to either ish or get off the pot. I mean we had history, a new baby between us and real responsibilities. I think we broke up for one weekend and I knew we couldn’t keep playing these college games with grown up responsibilities. What I didn’t know was he was planning to lock me down. So he entertained my conversations. After he asked I was in shock for a few days! I couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

The wedding

The wedding like anything in life didn’t go as planned. We had to go to plan B! Even at that moment I didn’t doubt the marriage. I know the few fleeting moments that came to mind thankfully I was in counseling for postpartum and my counselor was able to divide my issues. Has I not gone we wouldn’t have gotten married or we would have been further miserable. It’s no secret about my fight with postpartum and by the time we married we had two babies and the situation could have given Love and Hip Hop a rated G rating. Our lives were in a mess. We didn’t have a lot of answers. We had a lot of turmoil for us to weed out. However on August 2, 2012 with tears coming down we exchanged vows!

So now to the what if’s:

What if I had listened to my mind tell me that Marques was against me before we got married?!

What if I had allowed our living situation initially during marriage to cause us to go through a divorce?!

What if I listened to all of the folks’ whispers cause us to be more divided?

What if I had allowed myself to run like I had attempted to do several times??

What about job loses and financial strain?

What if?

Things are going to happen before and after the vows. What I know for sure now more than the first year is that both of us is doing the work. The work includes giving the other the love they need and not what we think they need. As much oneness that exists, we also have our own lives, friends and activities. I know now that hard times don’t last but the words and attitudes you give during those times will. Don’t be so quick to hit below the belt all the time. It takes more time to heal from what someone said in anger than any other hardship that may pop off.

So we are going to celebrate love this week and give the good, the bad and the beautiful!!

A few highlights from our 6 years of marriage and almost 20 years of friendship is:

Marques you have given me:

1. A family which includes our 3 children!

2. You worked hard to help me cross things off of my bucket list

3. When I make a list of ideas and things to do you help me complete them from Summer outings to Fall parties we as a family of 5 are always our own party

4. Helped me become financially sound even when I argued my way through. Making sure I’m strong financially independent doesn’t take away from what you have done, and continue to do

5. We still laugh at one another! Our little quirky conversations are everything

6. You allowed me to support you during the toughest times

7. You can always sense when something isn’t right and always remind me to pull back during times when I’m overwhelmed

8. We have balance now in how we do things together, apart, and as a family

9. It’s really you and me against the world

10. You remember the small things and always have even when I forget moments! You’re a rare jewel for that!!

Here’s to chapter 6!!

Ask Toi: Was I Wrong for calling my husband a child?!

Yes.

For my readers women all over call their husband an “extra child.” However that shouldn’t be a serious conversation and not in front of other people. This wife made a scene at a restaurant and then called him a child causing the entire restaurant to stop. This is a very black and white situation where anything that is said that demeans your mate, should not be done period. You don’t get to justify that bad behavior and it works both ways.

It doesn’t matter that you as a wife feel its not a big deal. It’s a big deal because it was said and it was embarrassing. A Husband being an additional child is really the fault of the wife. It could be you married a man who is co-dependent or you take on everything and then get mad when you are too overwhelmed and have him spoiled. Trust me I had to learn to work with my own husband not berate him. So I’m telling you from experience how detrimental it is in how you speak to, and how you handle each other with care and respect.

Either way you have to admit that outburst was completely uncalled for and speaks to you needing to have a conversation about the reality of what you need in your life from him. You can’t just have outbursts in public or private and not deal with the actual issue. If you don’t know what it is then spend sometime with yourself. You however have no right to use your issues as reasons to come at your husband and if he’s done this to you, will do this to you, etc he would be just as wrong. That’s for the ones who like to point the finger out instead of in when a situation goes down.

The respect in your relationship is gone to be flat out honest with you and it needs some repair. I might even suggest that you may need to work on your issues before suggesting that you both to go to counseling. He may be more adapt to receiving if he sees some change in you! It’s going to take some time before the embarrassment wears off he won’t forget it even if he forgives you. Be careful with your words even in the heat of the moment.

Good luck!!

Daily Women Crushers

As we continue to celebrate women’s history month, I want to shout out all women who are crushing their dreams.  Wednesdays are designated as #WCW or women crush Wednesday.  However daily women are failing, dusting themselves off and getting back out there and making it all happen.

Single women who are lonely and longing for relationship and finding ways to enjoy their single days and taking trips, starting businesses, becoming sound individuals without someone in their company. Those are daily women crushers.  They want to be with someone but aren’t allowing the lack thereof to stop them.  Until love finds them, they are out here making life happen for them under their own guidance, salute.

To the married woman who gives daily to her husband and attempting to be united, you are a daily woman crusher.  People think that marriage is a cure-all but it’s not.  It’s hard work to put someone else above your own.  It’s a union that actually makes you confront a lot of who you are or who you think you are.  Marriage is being there for someone and trying to keep the spark going regardless if that woman is tired or not, salute.  FYI the same should be done from her husband towards her.  If you find you are in a one way marriage, there are a few talks you and your husband need to have.

To the mother who is tired and feeling overwhelmed and still continues to get up before her house, getting things in order, and making it look effortless, you are a daily woman crusher.  To the days when those around you takes you for granted, and forget to say sorry or appreciate what you done, salute to you.  Salute to you when you lose yourself and literally have to pick yourself up before you can give again, salute to you.  Salute to you as you endure your body going through hell and back to deliver, salute to you.  Salute to you as you almost sometimes die on those tables waiting to hear that first cry, salute to you.  Salute to the women who have lost life many times and feel like their worth is tied to being a mother and can’t.  We salute you.  Just know that is a real pain. A real fear.  A real cry.  A real emptiness and I stand behind you and with you.

To the business woman who has to have her work checked twice just because she doesn’t have the same “member” as those on her team, salute to you.  Salute to the woman who is making moves after she was denied financing, salute to you.  Salute to the woman whose ideas failed many times before it took off, salute.  Salute to the woman who while accomplishing her goals, had the very folks who now want to stand with her after the fact and those same ones laughed, talked about, and ridiculed for that venture to pop, salute!

To the woman who has or is facing many demons and finding herself alone as she pushes towards getting her life together.  The ones that seem and feel like constant failures while others around her is flourishing.  The ones who say why not me too but they seem to be saying this only to themselves and there is no one around who understands you.  We salute you.  We get it.  We understand because as a woman regardless of what we have all accomplished we have all been public goals and secret failures.  Trust the process, understand that it will work out. Even in the dark, there will be light.  At the second you go to fail, you find a solution. At the moment you decide today is the day you will give up, light shines.  You are purpose and you were created for purpose.  The world has something that you have inside of you.  We salute the process of growing in the dark with limited water and resources.  The best flowers sometimes have thorns but are the prettiest in the end.  Don’t give up!

Women’s Month Preview

I enjoy women’s month! It’s one of the biggest traffic months. A lot of people have asked me why do I do the posts for the full month?! Simple, why not give a regular women a month to shine? March is women’s history month and women are changing history on all fronts all the time. These are women who might not have shared their story openly before and are ready to let you know that they survived the very things that was designed to take them out!

Think about it in this light, women need to know that as much division that is created among us, we are all connected. Think about a topic that women alone goes through. Bring that topic up and women who don’t know each other can relate and will openly share. This is why we need to tell our stories more often. We need to talk about the times we succeeded and the times we failed. We need to highlight our strengths as well as our weaknesses. There is a woman somewhere struggling alone when she doesn’t have to. She is somewhere feeling defeated because she doesn’t think what she has done, gotten herself into, or is nervous about, some other woman has been in those trenches, but we have been there and made it out in one way or another.

Ladies it’s our day everyday. It’s our month every month. It’s our year every year but when we get to shine a little brighter, then shine! As a woman I am proud of those who have come before me. I am proud that we as women have failed along the way but still keep on going regardless of what has been thrown our way. I’m proud that women are learning how to embrace what they have and not make excuses or try to water it down. We are owning our place in this world, choosing the life we want, being sexually aware and unashamed and most importantly stepping away from the status quo to achieve any goal we want!

We are scooping up the younger generation and showing by example how it’s done. We are not restricting ourselves to make men feel comfortable. We are walking in lanes that were not always paved for us. We are learning to practice self-care and saying no when we need to. We don’t have to carry it all! We can take breaks! We can travel this world alone! We can work across the aisles! We can make our dreams come true!

I salute all women from every walk in life. From the women who feels as if her past has knocked her out of the running to the women who made every right decision and are benefiting from it! To the college graduate who is the first in her family to the drug addicted mother who cleaned her life up! I salute you all!!

Get ready for some amazing women with some amazing stories to share. Thank you for being brave enough to be vulnerable. It takes a lot to put yourself out there! It takes a lot to know that when you put your story out there knowing there will be some folks who think you aren’t worthy! This blog was made from those whispers and guess what just like you I haven’t stopped! Let’s have some fun, learn some lessons and get inspired to live our best life NOW!

We’re going to hear from business women, community leaders, wives whose husband have left them and they picked up and kept on building, single moms, college graduates, those working with offenders, all kinds of women.  So be on the lookout the month-long celebration will kick off tomorrow and end March 31, 2018!

How to Handle Love Week When you and your Love are Beefing

Valentine’s Day is this week and it would be nice if all couples were in an a sea of love and like. That is ideal but it’s not always real.

These man-made holidays don’t always have timing on point. Remember just like no two people are the same; no two couples are the same as well. There is no way that couples can be in the right head space when Valentine’s Day comes.

So how do you manage when you really don’t want to show love to your mate?! You show it anyway. You do not do for someone based on merit. The same way you feel about them they could and probably have had the same feeling towards you. Marriage and relationships aren’t perfect in any way. We have to let go of this ideology that couples marry and ride off into this happily ever after. That happens in television and movies. The real happens after the vows are said.

Now with that same proclamation there is always a disclaimer. No flowers or candy will change the issues that took place regardless of a holiday or not. I think about my first marriage anniversary. In my head weeks leading up to it I expected the day to be filled with little surprises all day, little text messages of how much love we had for one another and ending the night with amazing sex. The reality was days before and even the day of we were arguing. I had one of my postpartum fits and our dinner had more silence then a good flow of conversation. I don’t remember if the night ended in sex or if it was filled with the reality that we had kids to take care of and stress was at an all time high.

There’s a difference of expectation that can be damaging to a relationship if realism isn’t at the forefront. This is why candy and flowers shouldn’t be the basis of how one apologizes. Give whatever gift you had intended but work more on your actual issues without having to have Hallmark attached. Working through the moments when you dislike your mate will make the gifts that much more sweeter trust me.

If I could go back to that first anniversary dinner I would have laid the charges down because the mere fact that I can’t tell you why we’re reacting proves that in the long run it didn’t matter. So ask yourself is the issues are really worth ruining any time that you have with your loved one?! Most likely not. Take some time to work through. The off days and the days of dislike are going to come. Trust me live a little they will. But if you’re friends first and have a strong foundation you can work through anything. Don’t ruin any day. Ask the widow or widower how they feel and I’m sure they would love one more day to be in the arms of the one they love. Each moment is fleeting. Don’t spend the little moments we have wrapped up in things that won’t build a strong relationship.

Check Your Own Body

I have so many tips for doing different work outs but I am not a professional so I really have what works for me.  I don’t even act like my fail proof plan is a Godsend for all, however there comes a time when you have to be on top of things because let’s face it, who else will?  I remember a reader asking an Ask Toi about gynecological exams and if they should continue to have them done after they were married. My answer then and now is an absolute YES!

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Marriage doesn’t mean you sexual health is perfect. You as a woman need to be aware that now that you got the ring and are one, you can still be one at risk woman.  I always wish happiness and great sex for married couples but if anything you should know right now, everyone ain’t on the up and up.  Not only that outside of getting an unwanted and unexpected non gift from a mate, is the risk of ovarian cancer. It is your job to do all you can to live a happy and healthy life.  Part of living a healthy life is to be about your health and sexual health is important.  No ring or marriage certificate will keep you safe.  So my advice is simple, get checked.  I’ve told the story before how when I was pregnant with my youngest, my OBGYN asked me if I wanted to get the STD panel done.  My answer was hell yes. Her response is well you’re married and you have kids.  I asked her who licensed her again because if you are giving me of sound mind this advice what in the holy hell was she telling other women.  Ladies get checked regardless of your status even my born again virgins that ain’t had none since Jesus was a baby, you need to get things checked too.

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No married woman should be told, you good and that’s it. Again the amount of women who die from ovarian cancer is enough for me to check.  Also like I said I do not subscribe that my husband is so perfect that there is a chance that I am going to be okay. I do trust my husband but how many women rely on trust alone and find out after it’s too late that there husband was on the “down low” and they have contracted something that a pill or a shot can’t cure.  I have told my husband plenty of times that I love me and my kids enough and I get that sometimes men take chances on getting some new %ussy but I refuse to live my life where I just throw caution to the wind. One of us has to love themselves enough to get things checked out.  So far after 5 years there hasn’t need to put the “man” between us.  I do not live my life on the edge.  If something is wrong I want to know, get a plan and keep it moving. This is why I encourage my ladies and my men to know what is going on with your health.  Avoidance is a sure fail way to not live your best life.  In order to have a good life you need to be here.

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So find what works for you in general.  I would also encourage all to see your doctor as well as a nutritionist.  These two are key to getting your health on track.  What you eat is literally a large component to how healthy your life is.  Eating the wrong things can contribute to high cholesterol, weight issues, etc.  Overall health seems so overwhelming. I think when I am trying to drink enough water, exercise, take care of my kids, go to work, have a good sex life, be good to my husband, and anything else life throws how much it takes to be on point in each other.  This is why I believe in balance.  However when it comes to my health, I believe in going in, getting things checked and then attacking each area.

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