Weekly Recap: June 2, 2017

Happy national donut day!! I had one and I mean only one donut and couldn’t really eat much of anything else.  I forced myself to have a healthy lunch because that donut was definitely a lot of empty carbs.  Well I hope you all had a good week.  We are coming off a 4 day weekend some of us anyway from Memorial Day.  I hope you had a great holiday weekend.  We celebrated my daughter’s birthday and had a really good weekend.  No complaints.  So as far as this short week it has definitely been filled with a lot of ups and downs.  So let’s get into it.

Personal Highs/Personal Lows

This week I am going to put these two categories together.  There is a lot going on and I told you lovelies I would update you.  One we had a great time celebrating my now 8-year-old.  Time is flying when you’re having fun right?  We are also gearing up for my son’s preschool graduation. I know some people make a big deal that these types of graduations are pointless but it just gives the little people something to look forward to. I personally feel like celebrations are what makes life great.  Those who know me know I will make his day special.  That’s what I do.  I feel like life is about making memories that they can look back on.  It’s better than buying a bunch of material things.

Also this week I have been vigilant with my doctors to get me an answer.  I have been suffering with migraines for quite some time.  I am also anemic.  However with the new diet my doctor made sure I had all of the supplements that one would need and I increased all of the iron enriched foods so you would think I was good right?  Wrong.  I am not.  My doctors and I have decided that it was time to get a hysterectomy.  I know for some they get it done when they have fibroids.  I do not have them.  I am losing too much blood.  My blood volumes and levels are one step to more transfusions.  For some they would say, why not start a pill that would decrease your period. However the thing is that I have already done that.  I have been on pills off and on.  I got my tubes tied when I had my 3rd and last child.  I know some would say why put this out there?  One its MY BODY and my page.  Secondly being a woman going through women issues is not a place of shame and I refuse to hide like I did something wrong.  That is pure craziness.  Why would I keep it hush-hush when there are millions of women like me going through the same thing.

I am no wonder. I won’t be the first or the last.  Ladies my decision was about what was best for me.  I have to do what I need to do for ME.  Was my husband there? Absolutely.  I know my decision will have an affect temporarily on my home but I had to do what was best for me.  No need to lose this weight, do all of this work and still be underlying unhealthy.  That is sheer madness.  I know what I need to do and I know what can happen if I don’t.  I love me and I need to be here as well as I have little people who need to have a healthy mom.  So with that in mind in the next week that is what I will be doing.  Have I researched all of the options?  Absolutely. This has been an ongoing back and forth thing.  I am prepared for the steps after.  I do NOT claim to know it all. However I am fully aware that the steps towards self-love will help me through the down side of this procedure.  So with MY family’s support we will be fine.  I have learned to tune out some of the naysayers.  They will say don’t let them take nothing out. Meanwhile I can’t count on them to watch my kids when I am somewhere bleeding out.  I can’t slide them a bill when I am off of work and missing time off.  I can’t count on them to pick up a phone call to say how is it going.  You see that was a free nugget right?  I refuse to give folks who show you they are more concerned with their bottom line than mine make my health decisions.  Got to keep pushing towards what will work for me and the ones that have to live through all of this.

So with that in mind you may see an increase in blogs.  I will have more down time. Whenever I have downtime, I write and I read so be on the look out. I plan to blog the hell out of this situation.  Not to get sympathy. I am one strong cookie.  But to raise awareness.  My heart goes out to the women who are medically forced to make this decision and desire to have children and can’t.  I have 3 kids and already put in place the parimeters not to have more already.  There is no child birth loss for me.  So for the ladies with this loss, it is a loss.  I researched this and I find comfort in reading other blogs of women who have gone through this.  And with life we are all connected.  Keep me in prayer and stay logged on twitter (toitiemblog) and facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/toitimeladies/) as I will update.

News

  1. Kathy Griffin out here with a replica of Donald Trump being beheaded and it has set off this major storm on insensitivity.  I think for me and this is where MY opinion comes off.  It was a bit much.  However if the same ones were upset when the nooses was being shown with imagery of Obama was shown and not because he is Black alone but on the principle of right and wrong than okay.  If not than you just being extra.  What people don’t get is that your argument is more valid when it’s based on principle.  Meaning you would extend the same sympathy to another like you want it done for your favorite than you have merit.
  2. Ireland will have its first openly gay prime minister after Leo Varadkar was elected into the office.
  3. Withdraw of Paris climate agreement.
  4. Continuation of the Russian influence of the election.  Continue to stand by for breaking news of this ongoing legal battle.

So I pray you all enjoy your weekend.  There are some good movies. I saw Wonder Woman and as I thought without giving things away, I walked away feeling great about being a woman.  I may see it again if you’re looking for a quick should you go or not-there you go.  I am taking the kids to see Captain Underpants tonight.  Summer movies are really heating up.  I plan on some me time and I have to work.  So find an activity that you enjoy and make yourself feel like the beautiful gem that you are.

 

T.I.-Marriage is a distraction

I love T.I. but my love for him will never cloud my judgement on whether or not I think the words coming out of his mouth is right or not.  His marriage has been under fire for many years.  Recently it has come under fire when his estranged wife “Tiny” Tameka Harris filed for divorce.

I try not to believe everything in the tabloids.  For instance the reported infidelity on both sides no one really knows for sure but Tiny and TI.  However one thing that has been circulating is TI’s most recent interview where he states how he can be a better best friend to Tiny but not a good husband to her.  Now let’s explore this statement since I am a married woman if I heard that I was a distraction after giving my husband the best of me, having children and building a life regardless of what was going on I would be devastated.  I feel for Tiny in that aspect.

Should he stay just to save face?

However I wouldn’t have an issue with TI feeling and expressing the way he feels if he had this conversation with her privately and before the alleged affairs that took place. We tend to take the honestly out of marriage out. If your husband can’t come to you and be transparent even if it hurts that is an issue.  I know for my husband and I struggle in this area to be 100% vulnerable because we still feel the need to hold a person’s feelings when you discuss difficult situations.  It doesn’t mean someone is withholding information it just means that some things are difficult and may take time to bring to one another’s attention.

If TI feels that he can be a better friend over a husband as hard as those words are to hear, it’s better to have the words said than to prolong the inevitable.  However I do believe that tact should always be considered.  The timing on something like that is everything.  This means to Tiny that even if she thought they could reconcile things, he is not in the place to do so.  He no longer wants to do the things that husbands do.  She has to get pass that type of gut wrenching hurt. She could be doing that in her own way.  I think she is still struggling.  If my husband and I had that conversation and I saw him or thought he was entertaining someone I know for a full fact I would be okay to see that or have it thrown in my face all the time.  It would take some time to heal that the marriage was over.  Have my husband had some extremely hurtful things that hit and cut like that?  Absolutely if I am honest.

We tend to romanticize marriage.  We tend to think everything will just work out.  It doesn’t.  I do not like the ideal of divorce.  I didn’t marry to divorce but it happens.  You have to understand that going into it.  No you don’t look for it to happen but understand when it comes to the matters of the heart and will, things will never remain if the person you are working with stops working with you.  TI shouldn’t just stick it out for the sake of the kids, to make Tiny happy, or to prevent from divorcing altogether.  Somebody has to realize that a broken toy doesn’t always get fixed.  Women are lining their opinions on the matter and some not understanding what its like to be married.  Some are on team Tiny and reality is there is no need for Team anybody.  The team members that matter the most, one party doesn’t want to be married.  It sucks, it hurts, but I am sure like most strong women she is shattered but her pieces can be put back together.

I can’t imagine what it feels to be in Tiny’s shoes.  She can’t even grief the marriage because she is in the public eye.  I am sure that Tiny and TI have had good moments.  I am sure they keep things together for the children.  I am sure that they are trying to work on things to get them to the point where they can be cordial.  I am also sure that is not without pain and not without hurt.  Tiny has been there for TI even during the time of his incarceration.  He I am sure has been there during difficult times as well.  They lost a child together, they have been through Hell and back.  People think that in marriage you won’t change but marriage changes people.  Some for the better and some it can go left.  I know couples who take years to get to this point still holding on to what was. Loyalty is pricey.  This is why its hard for people to give it to just anyone.  They know that you put yourself out there and the return on investment can be everything or nothing at all. Marriage is work but it takes both partners willing to make it work for it to work.  I wish them both well.

We not washing now…

So I was listening to Steve Harvey show yesterday when I heard the strawberry letter about a wife that is no longer washing her behind. Now I have personally answered I think at least 2 Ask Toi about non washing spouses and now I got to turn this into a blog because I got questions. The first thing that came to my mind was what in the unholy hell is this foolishness?  Why is this a thing?  Why is this okay?  Did you need someone to tell you to wash your behind?  Why are you out here smelling like garbage cans?  Is this the new cute? I will stay ugly than because this can’t be life.

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How are you grown regardless of your marital status and decide to say hey, I am no longer interested in washing?  Now you know how I feel about depression.  I know its real.  I have suffered from it from a time or two so I can easily see how someone can let “themselves go.”  My issue is that it’s not my place to judge how long you stay in depression, there are many suffering for years.  However there is always one issue.  Unless you have the ability to get a check from somewhere and you NEVER have to leave your home and you decide to wash and you don’t live with others than a strong MAYBE this would be okay.  However if you have to be next to, talk to, interact with, etc with other humans, washing is non negotiable.  You don’t get to decide you just taking a washing break.  Washing is like 1st nature.  It’s not natural to be out here smelling like 3 weeks ago.

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Remember the days when you were a child and you could get away with stinking or maybe you didn’t even have a strong smell back then, we talking like under 5?  Those days are long gone.  Now a days 7 year olds need deodorant.  So as an adult you can’t sink wash your life away.  You need to dip your entire body into some water, wash all the necessary parts and make sure they are dry.  We can’t forget the drying part.  Listen these are things that somebody’s momma should have told folks.  However the more I keep reading advice for it, further tells me someone is missing the memo.  If you don’t know how to properly take care of yourself ask someone you trust.  Start with a doctor.  But the excuses has to stop.

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Now for couples married or not what makes you think someone wants to get close to you smelling like 2 days ago? No one.  We can keep it real and say you ain’t gonna smell like cherries everyday but your base line should be clean.  You should have more days of smelling good than not.  If you are experiencing a health issue than its YOUR responsibility to take care of it and find a way to get it back to a normal level.  Intimacy is a beautiful thing but trust and believe it can be soured by unsettling odors. Please stop putting your spouse in the way to tell you that you smell.  They love you.  They don’t want to hurt your feelings.  They are lacking words.  However like my mom taught me and it’s true, you can smell you.  You know you need to dip back in the water.  Get in the water and make magic happen.  This concept that a man or woman just needs to love you no matter what is cute in theory.  However on planet reality if after you smelled you, after I spoke up, after I encouraged you to get help, maybe even went to the doctor with you and you STILL out here musty and not caring, than its time to re-evaluate.  This means that no matter how much help you have you aren’t going to change.

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I can’t understand why you would want to be funky and unwashed but whatever this epidemic is it needs to stop.  Hygiene is important.  It shows how much you care about yourself let alone others.  I can attest you wasn’t out here funky when you was out here trying to get a man or woman.  So once you get them you can’t get too comfortable.  This leads me to my last part of this washing conversation.  We all change.  We get over weight, we lose hair, we lose a lot because life happens.  What shouldn’t be lost or I should say stay lost is the love you have for yourself.  If you put energy into your life you will reap that. Some people are giving out energy to everything but them.  How can you be 100% to someone else and be unwilling to be that to yourself?  You will never be the best mom, wife, husband, father, worker, etc if you don’t learn to make you a priority.  So in reality what you are giving out is a fraction of the potential that you have.  Care about yourself. Love yourself and wash.  This foolishness of unwashed adults has to end today!!  Step it up or be prepared for someone  to rightfully walk away.

 

Women’s Month: Who is KJM?

I have had the unique opportunity to come across some really unique blogs over the years. I find that I usually lean more towards the one that tell it like it is.  I am not saying I don’t like the flowery ones for a good read.  However, at the end of the day, I need to hear the black or white and less gray.  So when I came across this blogger it was for personal reasons.  I know the blogger personally but even in knowing her personally her blogs  holds literally no punches.

Blogging can be time-consuming to say the least.  The amount of time even when the inspiration just spills out can take a toll.  There is the actual typing of the blog as well as the editing.  Then just putting your voice out there can be intimidating too. So I wanted to know who is KJM?  What is KJM and what is in the works for KJM.  Kingston Jael Michaels is a blog that was started a little over a year ago.  It is a blog that deals with all kinds of topics but it deals mostly with KJM the author pretty much making fun of herself.  She allows herself to be the butt of her jokes in hopes of helping others.  She says what you want to say but are too afraid and too politically correct to say.  She is just plain old funny.  Find her at http://www.kingtonjaelmichaels.com for more hilariousness.

I asked KJM why she began her blog:

For the last 15 years, I have had people come up to me and ask me to co-write a book with them plus I have been editing other’s works for the last 20 years! Whether it was a school paper, thesis, or just something they were writing for someone special.  I was always humbled by their requests but never gave it a thought until my friend, Michelle Monique Johnson, passed away. She unexpectedly died a week after my 34th birthday and the last thing she said to me way…”it’s time to start your blog! Fly butterfly fly!” And  so my journey began September 2015…her birth month. I write in her honor and I pray I have made her proud!

I think that death can always bring new life.  In my own personal experiences I have seen where bad situations birth such greatness when you are open to itWhen you blog like I said before it allows you to expose yourself in ways that simply can either make or break you.  I remember when others found out I was blogging.  I got mostly good reviews but from family the most that I didn’t even see on a regular basis their critique was much more harsher.  Glad that I didn’t need or rely on the lack of weight their opinion shed.  I wanted to know what she has learned about herself in this process.

 I am naturally raw with my thoughts. And it’s not for shock value! It’s naturally who I am! Through my writing, I become this naked and vulnerable woman…something that is so hard for me to be in everyday life! I always have to be strong for others…and myself. When I’m blogging, I can rest the S on my chest and just be me…insecure at times…vulnerable…yet still strong. And I love that I have discovered that part of myself. Blog life has changed my life forever!
Where is KJM going in the next few years?  What is the vision?
 I pray it grows into a huge EMPIRE and that KINGSTON JAEL MICHAELS becomes a household name…from my books to my television show! Lol. Hey if you don’t aim high and believe in your talents…who will?! So I know first hand the stock I am made of. God-given talent runs through my veins. That talent allows me to transform myself…everyday.
When you blog do you know there are many times where I have written or have deleted a blog by worrying about what my audience thought?  I wanted to know if I was the only blogger who went through this?
When I first launched, I would write and then delete. Hoping to make everything perfect. Truth be told…writing is at its best when it describes imperfect human moments. I was afraid of being judged for my decisions and my views. But then I soon learned that not every day is a great blogging day but that does not mean I should erase the imperfect for it makes me who I am…and I am so in love with who I am and who I am becoming. I am a mess at times but who isn’t? You will get many things from my blog (www.kingstonjaelmichaels.com) but perfection is not one of them!
As a blogger who unites and makes great relationships with other bloggers, who was some of your inspiration?
I follow many bloggers including ToiTime but to be honest my inspiration are writers, producers, and creators of earth shattering controversial books, shows, and movies. Oprah and Shonda Rhimes are two of my greatest inspirations. Black women who build as they create. I am in awe of them! 🙌🏽
What is your message for women.  We all have something that we can take from one another even if we are in different stages than others around us.
Do not be afraid of your God-given talents and never dim your lights for anyone. Shine! Support one another and just be. Lay in all your imperfections and do not erase those moments where you are vulnerable. There is strength in vulnerability. Lastly, love yourselves first…even as you find romantic love. Never leave yourselves behind because…if you cannot count on yourselves….who can you really count on? You are everything! You are beautiful! You are the QUEENS of this earth! Walk in that destiny proudly and never apologize for it! Never apologize for being you.  One Love, KJM
Blogging is beautiful.  However do NOT expect it to go so perfect.  It takes a lot behind the scenes to make things happen.  Never judge another blogger because you as an outsider don’t understand why something is being said in a certain way.  Trust me the writing process is not only a beautiful thing but its therapeutic at the same time.  The way its sad sometimes is necessary to free others as well as the author. KJM keep doing your thing.  I look forward to hearing and reading more from you.
Follow the blog at http://www.kingstonjaelmichaels.com or on twitter @kingston_jael

What it Means to be a Woman

The statement of what it means to be a woman is so complicated. Some would answer this in relation to their status meaning a wife or mother but the reality is being a woman when you strip the titles is much more than who were are connected to or what connects us to others.  Being a woman is one of the most liberating yet most scariest thing ever.

We don’t get the respect that we deserve.  Find any woman it doesn’t matter if she is CEO of a large company or a stay at home mom, she is under appreciated  She is expected to be everything to everyone all the time.  She is to be dressed to the nine, fierce, show strength but not too much strength if there is a man present.  She is expected to wear a lot of hats but not show emotion because emotion is considered a weakness.  Women can be all of those things.  We as women define us and that definition of who we are changes as the things within and around us change.

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We are able to make things happen on small and large scales.  We can handle a lot of things that come our way and are one of the most resilient creatures you will ever know. We don’t always get the chance to come back and get it right.  Often times we have to be reactive due to whatever is being thrown our way.  Women are beautiful no matter the shade of color.  We are beautiful no matter what we own or don’t have.  The beauty of a woman is to remain who she wants to be even when the world wants a certain reaction from us.  We are in control.  So what defines one woman may not work for the next.  Let me give you an example.  Every woman is not a mother yet motherhood isn’t what defines a woman’s womanhood.  As long as she is a woman she is a woman.  She doesn’t need to bear children to be accepted into this invisible club that she already was either birthed or in this day paid to be in.  It’s that simple. I really get tired of all of non mothers who have to go through the 4th degree as to why.  Yet there are women having, killing, or throwing babies away getting passes.  Most of this even comes from other women and we have to do better.

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Women are complex and beautiful.  So for women’s month my goal is to highlight that.  I don’t want to give you just the stories of women who are all making it but fail to showcase the failures it took to get to where they are now.  There are so many no, falls, screwups, second chances, etc that take place and sometimes with the filters of social media all we see is the beautiful side. So when you as a woman are going through your dark side you feel alone.  You feel like a loser when we all have these same moments.  We all cry.  We all hurt.  There is a woman with fabulous still being dogged out by someone.  There is a woman somewhere being told that she is less even though she is giving her all, failing, and then left feeling deserted.  So ladies, ease up on all the judgments.  We all trying to do our absolute best.  So for women history month and beyond this blog will always showcase women in a positive light.  We may always deal with the negative things we need to do better in but we will always deal with them in the manner where we all win.

Ask Toi: What do I do my husband found out my password is my ex’s name?

First of all how did he find out?  I know plenty of couples who know passwords and passcodes to things and that is not an issue.  You stated that he “found” out which would sound as if he didn’t have the information before or had it and you changed it and it turned out to be your ex’s name.  This is new level stuff.  One you have to own up to it. Why do you have your ex as your password or passcode?  There’s something to be said in just that. Find that out within you and then you can proceed.

Right off the bat your husband feels betrayed.  He feels as if you have been thinking of this other man.  In a way the argument can be made to satisfy his thoughts.  Now if the password has been your ex and somehow you didn’t think to change it than maybe there is a pass.  How long have you been married.  First of all most couples are together a year or more before marriage so once you were in a committed relationship why didn’t you change it?  How long was your engagement?  I am asking to establish timeline on the password or passcode.  However most of the time we are asked to update passwords and after entering it for quite some time you do become aware that the password is what you set it to be.  My thought is that you apologize.  If the shoe was turned you would most likely be upset.  So apologize about the issue.  Now on the flip side is if you made it after you and your husband have been together and you know that you have some feelings for your old flame than you have some unanswered questions that only you can answer.  Your husband is going to want to know why.  Your husband is going to feel some type of way.  He is going to be upset and wonder even if you were having marital problems why you choose this password instead of something else.  Remember passwords and passcodes are to be someting we can remember which draws on the memory which in this case your husband and most people would think this was an intentional move.

Do you both trust each other.  If having a passcode or password isn’t something you two do in your marriage what made him go looking for it?  It sounds like you both have some things to think about and work through.  It’s sad when you go looking for things you will find it.  Was the ex as a password the only thing he and you need to discuss.  Old flames usually hit at times when you’re the most vulnerable and I know some women who change their passwords to ex and old flames when their husbands get on their nerves just to give them 5 seconds of knowing they were potentially pissing their husbands off.  This is some passive aggressive behavior.  This is a way to keep an ex linked to you without having to dive too far into your feelings.  I know this sounds crazy to some readers but trust me I know a few that do this and have no issues with it until the tables turn.  At that point your marriage is going tit for tat than somebody better figure out if they really want to be married or not.

Cat Fight Chronicles

You know there’s a thing about women being catty.  Not all women but quite a few.  The reason in my opinion as to why there are so many catty women in the world is that we don’t have enough women who are more interested in first building themselves and then other women.  Think about that. How many women know deep in their hearts that they see another beautiful woman and just automatically compliment her?  Think about how the beauty of another woman doesn’t take away from you but because you don’t even believe you alone are beautiful this woman who you 9 out of 10 times don’t even know intimidates you.  She makes you feel less than you are.  She makes you second guess what you have on. But SHE isn’t the issue the issue is more self-reflective.

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Let’s give you some examples. If you watch just about any reality television and it doesn’t matter what race of women are involved the formula is always one and the same.  You get a group of women together and pin them against each other and bam you have instant ratchet and success.  So we love to watch it but say we would never act like that in real life. The real reality is that just because you aren’t throwing drinks in someone’s face doesn’t mean you don’t dabble in cat fights.  You dabble every time you engage in meaningless conversations where you tear down another woman.  Some people like to disguise it as “lifting another one up” like you’re in a church click.  Some disguise it as keeping it in the circle.  The best way to know if you are catty is that if you can’t and won’t repeat what you say about another woman to her face especially a stranger you are officially catty.  Let me say to my I can dish it out and I don’t hold my tongue ladies, you do.  You don’t ever say things in the same intensity that you described it to another person like you would to the actual person’s face.

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Another example you and your man is out.  Your man glances not the whole look down of the woman.  Instead of acknowledging even if it’s within yourself that she is beautiful, is dressed nice, or has a nice body, the first thing is you slap him for glancing. Let’s not confuse this with the out right stare.  We are talking about a glance.  So deal with your man’s wandering eye but don’t knock the fact that the woman he saw is attractive in some form or else he wouldn’t have looked.  Unless your man is a scumbag and remember you choose him, than that woman isn’t getting his number just because of her attributes. She is not coming home with you unless you’re into that sort of thing.  There’s nothing she can do to your well-being or your relationship unless you allow it or your man allows it. She doesn’t take away from you.

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Another example its hard to date or marry anyone with children.  We all know that baby moms and dads can be a handful but the reality is that they are going to be apart of your life.  I know plenty of women who fight their significant other.  For instance if you watch Love and Hip Hop New York you have Yandy, Samantha and Erica fighting over who was first, second or last.  Who had Mendencees heart etc.  I could go all day on why it’s not even apart of anyone’s need to fight over Mendencee but the reality is this is a common fight among women.  If you are on the scene now with the love of your life and the other past women isn’t currently involved, etc than just build your relationship with the one you are with.  No need to worry about who was first unless you are the current in the relationship getting cheated on.  Always deal with your man and not the other woman. Cattiness will keep you on team petty and at the end of the day 9 times out of 10 either you are making you look stupid or the man you ready to bust someone one’s head to the white meat is making you look even more stupid.

Let’s talk about ways to be less catty.

  1. Grow up-sorry no cute little saying to make it easier to read.  You need to grow within yourself.
  2. Build self confidence-this is something we all need a dose of anyway.  The more confident you are the better at reacting and engaging with other women you will be. Confidence makes a huge difference in how you see others.  The lens of perception gets clearer.
  3. Tell women when you see something you like about another woman i.e  a nice pair of shoes, a cute handbag, or outfit that you like it.  This is called a compliment.  Strong women are able to offer these freely because they know it doesn’t take away from who they are, what they have.
  4. Smile more.  When you smile more it really does help keep your focus on what is important in your life at any given moment.  Women who are miserable tend to strike against others the most.  Misery loves company never forget that.
  5. Disengage in negative behavior from other women.  We are the best at ending cattiness by dismissing it in our own circles.

I am not suggesting that changing cattiness is super easy because it’s not but it can and should be done.  You will find that uplifting each other is the best thing for all of us.  Take for example the Women marches that have taken place since Trump has been office.  If we united like that on an everyday school we all would be winning.