Surgery update 2.0

So thank you to all who tuned into my first update. I have read your messages and trust me I can feel the love and support. It’s love and support that gets most surgery patients of any kind through.

Since my first update I have gone back to the doctor. He has found a few things. One they did the pathology and concluded there was no cancer. Can we say amen?! However what he did discover is that one I had a few fibroids that I wasn’t aware and never showed up on any ultrasound I have ever had. Another issue is that my uterus would hemorrhage every time I would have my cycle. So when I would have a period I would bleed out and internally as well.  So that would explain why I was having blood issues and couldn’t figure out after I had done all the lifestyle changes it was still messed up.

These are issues that my Obgyn before him didn’t push and I being my own advocate didn’t until 2017 and I was determined to end all of these issues. So to my ladies or to the men who have special women in your lives push them to take their feminine health very seriously. This could be the wake up call. If something doesn’t add up as it didn’t when I changed, I refused to leave until we figured it out. That is how we came to my personal and medical choice to have a hysterectomy. I’m not saying run out and get it done but for someone who was in my health crisis and already had her tubes tied this is what was best for me.

So he of course encouraged me to work out. I have no problem with that except it ain’t going down until I am no longer in pain to the touch. I am not doing the most during this healing time. He has encouraged me to walk 3 times a week for 30 minutes and that’s more doable than straight workouts. I am still managing pain. So one goal at a time.

He has me on hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  For me the choice was in the form of a patch. I absolutely hate taking pills. Plus with the patch it’s the lowest dose possible.  I like the idea of that. The second I put it on I could feel the medicine. Not like some time warp machine type of feel but like a slight rush of medicine.  My hopes is that it will stop my hot flashes and night sweats.


The pain has become more manageable in the last few days. I have switched over to full Motrin.  I am more comfortable with that as I do not like the way that Percocet makes me feel.  I am hoping to have less pain and begin to get back to my normal life. In the meantime I am enjoying my husband and kids make sure I am good. It’s almost like when I was pregnant except without the lifetime responsibility of a child in the end.

I have driven since my doctor has allowed me to. It’s not something I want or will just do to do. I’m talking about a few minutes from the house type of driving.  Again my pain levels need to be better before I drive off into the sunset.

A few more things I am noticing:

1. I was about to schedule a pap when I thought wait, I don’t need to come back to see my doctor for a year. This will take getting used to because my yearly appointments are usually made in July.

2. Mood swings are less right now.  I don’t feel that rush of emotions that takes place as my cycle would be normally about to start. Ladies you know right well what I mean.  I did cry when I dropped my frozen coffee but I think I would have done the same without the surgery. If you have had one from Dunkin you know how amazing they are. No I’m not cheating on Starbucks but there isn’t a close one around me like it was near my job.

3. I have a lot of sanitary pads that I will be giving away to family. I don’t need them and no need to have a bunch not being used.

4. During this process my kids haven’t been able to be super close to me. The one affected the most is my 3 -year-old is struggling with the most. She is used to snuggling every night. She has asked me when this is over? If you remember in my birth story of my 3 year old, my son who was barely 2 at the time jumped on my belly when I had her. This was after my c-section. I was in the hospital and the now 3 year old was with her dad until I recovered. Once home she wouldn’t go to anyone including her dad. She is super close to me especially at night but to avoid another internal bleed we kept the kids at bay.

5. It’s much harder to parent from the bed or from the chair.  I am used to doing it all and working full-time. However my husband has had to step up. So now I can’t say a thing about what he is doing even though I want to. Right now my vote isn’t a veto but it is more silent.

6. Sleep. I haven’t slept this much in a long time. My mom told me sleep was the best way to heal. I get up and get cleaned up and walk around but other than that I have yet to be up a full day. Sleep is my new bestie. I am getting okay with that.


7. Phone calls-they have been limited to my family. I have texted more to my close friends. The reason is I’m not used to having free time to talk. Before all of this I wasn’t one to be on the line outside of my husband and mom.  Now I have time to be and everyone is doing their normal things and I’m okay with the lack of calls.

8. Hair I haven’t seen hair falling out and I pray I don’t. I have researched that some people’s hair thins out. If it should happen I’ll update but now it’s still curly and thick as it was when I went to have my surgery.

9. Stomach-ladies if you ever had a baby and remember leaving with that bulging baby belly that irritates you that is what I am working with. Again with several cuts on my upper belly, and all the work below that it is still tender and very bloated.  So ice packs and warm compresses have been helping.  So loose clothing works. Since I lost weight it’s been shorts and a t-shirt type of life.  I’m not going places. Other than that I use my night-gown shirts that my girlfriend sent me. No need to have anything touching me if I don’t have to.


10. I have lost about 5 pounds even with my extended swollen belly. So yay for that. The one thing my husband said the day after surgery is that I looked skinnier and my doctor said the same thing when I saw him the other day. So win for me!

Let me continue to give a shout out to my husband for all he’s done. For all of the food runs and hand holding. Listen I have wanted to do more and he’s given me the side eye like you better lay there and no get up for stuff you don’t need. So I don’t. I’m grateful that he has gotten me just about whatever I have wanted and has ignored me when I say I don’t need medicine.

The recovery time for this surgery is 2-8 weeks. So I will see how long it takes me. Every woman is different and how their bodies reacts is different. However for basic recovery that is the standard and it’s really around 6-8 weeks to be honest. The same as when you have a child. And to be totally healed like when you have kids can take more around a year to really know where you are.  We tend to rush back to life and most like me, work is calling and life doesn’t just sit and deactivate just because you have had surgery.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I have gotten from women from different walks of life who have been through this is that you will immediately feel better but take the time to heal. Feeling better and being better takes time.

Surgery update 

So today is Tuesday June 20, 2017 and it’s 4 days post hysterectomy surgery. How I am doing is mixed with a lot of emotions.

For one, I have gotten an infection from the surgery. Ugh. Like my mom would say anything that can happen would happen to me. It’s true. I had high fevers the day after the surgery. Now my surgery was done laparoscopic so I have several smaller cuts going across the upper part of my belly instead of one large cut on my belly. This is to be less invasive and because I have had 3 c-sections, gall bladder and an appendix removed. With all of these surgeries the goal was to go in without having to open me all the way up.

So first day post same day surgery I was a total mess. I went in super positive and laughing with every person who had contact with me.  By the time it was over, I felt like the step sister and I wasn’t as cheerful. I even forgot where I was and why I was there but I’m going to blame that on the power of anesthesia. Once my husband and I reunited I had to sit a lot longer to allow the effects of the anesthesia to get out of my system. Finally it’s time to go. I’m mad at this point because the pain has set in and I realize that I will have to walk.

I slept the whole ride home and into bed I went. Thankful for my husband who did everything to keep me comfortable. Day 2 was hard. I had to get out and after a full night of sleep off and on I was in pain and sore. But I managed.  Between my kids who were kept feet away from me and Snapchat I got through it.  I kept having high fevers since day 2 and by day 3 was put on antibiotics. 

Now to day 4 things are going a little smoother except for the fevers and on my left side is super red and sore which is letting me know the infection isn’t clearing up. I am allergic to penicillin so my choices are limited. I will be seeing the doctors in the morning and I want to avoid hospitalization but at this point if iv meds will work sign me up. 

Here are the things that have happened that some I was prepared and some I wasn’t:

1. Pain. I feel like it’s almost like my c-section minus the left side that is red that hurts the worst. I have switched from narcotics to extra strength Tylenol. Personally I like to wean myself down.  I hate the way they make me feel. As of today I did break down and take the stronger med just because the pain was intense. 

2. Bathroom-healing also means you have to move. Not moving will cause stiffness and more pain. As much as I want to install one of those wheelchairs to get me around the house I know I have to move. So although my bathroom is near my room I now have a hate/love relationship. Oh and not to be too TMI, going to the bathroom is like c-sections where it’s painful because of using your abdominal muscles. 

3. Hot flashes-they are not a myth. I had a full hysterectomy so with that my body was slammed into menopause. I have woken up in hot sweats almost nightly. Thankfully I have had my mini misting fan. It has been my saving grace. I have about 5 flashes a day during the day.  It’s an awful feeling. 

4.Mood Swings-I haven’t noticed any. I’ve been in too much pain to tap into my emotions to be honest. I’m hoping that stays the same. My doctor wants to put me on hormone replacement and I’m looking into holistic methods too.  Either way it would be nice to stay leveled out. 

5. Eating has been moderate. I’m still aware of my Weight Watchers plan. I did have Taco Bell but could barely get through all of it and I didn’t. I enjoyed it and left it at that. For me being so fresh into the plan has made my bad eating habits almost non existent. So I’m grateful for that.

6. Sleep, that’s all I do. I haven’t really gotten into my survival kit too much. The second I say that I am I just end up falling asleep. I got my new Essence magazine and all I have seen of it was the front cover. I’ll get there. I still have some time to heal.  
Overall the pain and fevers is the one thing I was aware could happen but now that I’m in it, I can’t wait for that to be in my past. Once I manage that I can get to the things that make me happy during this new change. I had a bad nightmare the first night home of a lot of guilty feelings I was feeling about no longer being able to have kids. Then I thought even in the dream about how my tubes were already tied and I woke up. I don’t know why that became an issue but talking to other women this is a part of the process!! 

Continue to say prayers and eventually I’ll get better. It hasn’t been a full week so I’m making great progress so far.

Ask Toi: What should I do if someone from my past or new love interest knocks and I’m already connected?!

If you’re already connected and the interested person doesn’t know you need to tell them. If they know but still pushing up than know they just like the chase and want to see if you will take the bait.

As an adult it’s your choice who you are with period. This means even if you just want a one night or one time physical relationship as an adult it’s up to you. Not everyone wants a commitment but be true to yourself. Don’t say you don’t want a commitment in hopes that you can later change a person’s mind. 

If you are already connected either by dating or marriage than you know that the answer is a no for now. With that being said it’s best to thank the person for the interest and move along. In a dating situation boundaries need to be made. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t have anything to entertain another person.  If you’re married the boundary was made on your wedding day and you end it. 

The past is the past. It can be a beautiful reminder of what was but it takes a lot to dig the past up, revive it and make it work. Ask anyone including me how much work it takes to date someone from your past.  It’s not super easy.  It’s never a good idea to open the door to a past or new interest because if you do it says more about you than the person knocking. People don’t realize that a person who will cheat or entertain someone else but expect loyalty from the person they were originally connected to shows they have NO loyalty at all. You want what you can’t or won’t give. This goes for men and women. So if you’re connected say thanks, nice talking to you, and seal the door of communication. 

Let me guess you can handle it right? Wrong. You start catching up. Then you exchange emails at first, then phone numbers, than social media and now you can’t get this person off your mind.  You absolutely not giving the person you were connected to any of your valuable time because your sharing space with someone else. Now if your just dating and no commitment with anyone than that’s your right. However don’t mess over another individual while taking space with another while connected or committed to a person. You might lose on both relationships. 

T.I.-Marriage is a distraction

I love T.I. but my love for him will never cloud my judgement on whether or not I think the words coming out of his mouth is right or not.  His marriage has been under fire for many years.  Recently it has come under fire when his estranged wife “Tiny” Tameka Harris filed for divorce.

I try not to believe everything in the tabloids.  For instance the reported infidelity on both sides no one really knows for sure but Tiny and TI.  However one thing that has been circulating is TI’s most recent interview where he states how he can be a better best friend to Tiny but not a good husband to her.  Now let’s explore this statement since I am a married woman if I heard that I was a distraction after giving my husband the best of me, having children and building a life regardless of what was going on I would be devastated.  I feel for Tiny in that aspect.

Should he stay just to save face?

However I wouldn’t have an issue with TI feeling and expressing the way he feels if he had this conversation with her privately and before the alleged affairs that took place. We tend to take the honestly out of marriage out. If your husband can’t come to you and be transparent even if it hurts that is an issue.  I know for my husband and I struggle in this area to be 100% vulnerable because we still feel the need to hold a person’s feelings when you discuss difficult situations.  It doesn’t mean someone is withholding information it just means that some things are difficult and may take time to bring to one another’s attention.

If TI feels that he can be a better friend over a husband as hard as those words are to hear, it’s better to have the words said than to prolong the inevitable.  However I do believe that tact should always be considered.  The timing on something like that is everything.  This means to Tiny that even if she thought they could reconcile things, he is not in the place to do so.  He no longer wants to do the things that husbands do.  She has to get pass that type of gut wrenching hurt. She could be doing that in her own way.  I think she is still struggling.  If my husband and I had that conversation and I saw him or thought he was entertaining someone I know for a full fact I would be okay to see that or have it thrown in my face all the time.  It would take some time to heal that the marriage was over.  Have my husband had some extremely hurtful things that hit and cut like that?  Absolutely if I am honest.

We tend to romanticize marriage.  We tend to think everything will just work out.  It doesn’t.  I do not like the ideal of divorce.  I didn’t marry to divorce but it happens.  You have to understand that going into it.  No you don’t look for it to happen but understand when it comes to the matters of the heart and will, things will never remain if the person you are working with stops working with you.  TI shouldn’t just stick it out for the sake of the kids, to make Tiny happy, or to prevent from divorcing altogether.  Somebody has to realize that a broken toy doesn’t always get fixed.  Women are lining their opinions on the matter and some not understanding what its like to be married.  Some are on team Tiny and reality is there is no need for Team anybody.  The team members that matter the most, one party doesn’t want to be married.  It sucks, it hurts, but I am sure like most strong women she is shattered but her pieces can be put back together.

I can’t imagine what it feels to be in Tiny’s shoes.  She can’t even grief the marriage because she is in the public eye.  I am sure that Tiny and TI have had good moments.  I am sure they keep things together for the children.  I am sure that they are trying to work on things to get them to the point where they can be cordial.  I am also sure that is not without pain and not without hurt.  Tiny has been there for TI even during the time of his incarceration.  He I am sure has been there during difficult times as well.  They lost a child together, they have been through Hell and back.  People think that in marriage you won’t change but marriage changes people.  Some for the better and some it can go left.  I know couples who take years to get to this point still holding on to what was. Loyalty is pricey.  This is why its hard for people to give it to just anyone.  They know that you put yourself out there and the return on investment can be everything or nothing at all. Marriage is work but it takes both partners willing to make it work for it to work.  I wish them both well.

We not washing now…

So I was listening to Steve Harvey show yesterday when I heard the strawberry letter about a wife that is no longer washing her behind. Now I have personally answered I think at least 2 Ask Toi about non washing spouses and now I got to turn this into a blog because I got questions. The first thing that came to my mind was what in the unholy hell is this foolishness?  Why is this a thing?  Why is this okay?  Did you need someone to tell you to wash your behind?  Why are you out here smelling like garbage cans?  Is this the new cute? I will stay ugly than because this can’t be life.

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How are you grown regardless of your marital status and decide to say hey, I am no longer interested in washing?  Now you know how I feel about depression.  I know its real.  I have suffered from it from a time or two so I can easily see how someone can let “themselves go.”  My issue is that it’s not my place to judge how long you stay in depression, there are many suffering for years.  However there is always one issue.  Unless you have the ability to get a check from somewhere and you NEVER have to leave your home and you decide to wash and you don’t live with others than a strong MAYBE this would be okay.  However if you have to be next to, talk to, interact with, etc with other humans, washing is non negotiable.  You don’t get to decide you just taking a washing break.  Washing is like 1st nature.  It’s not natural to be out here smelling like 3 weeks ago.

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Remember the days when you were a child and you could get away with stinking or maybe you didn’t even have a strong smell back then, we talking like under 5?  Those days are long gone.  Now a days 7 year olds need deodorant.  So as an adult you can’t sink wash your life away.  You need to dip your entire body into some water, wash all the necessary parts and make sure they are dry.  We can’t forget the drying part.  Listen these are things that somebody’s momma should have told folks.  However the more I keep reading advice for it, further tells me someone is missing the memo.  If you don’t know how to properly take care of yourself ask someone you trust.  Start with a doctor.  But the excuses has to stop.

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Now for couples married or not what makes you think someone wants to get close to you smelling like 2 days ago? No one.  We can keep it real and say you ain’t gonna smell like cherries everyday but your base line should be clean.  You should have more days of smelling good than not.  If you are experiencing a health issue than its YOUR responsibility to take care of it and find a way to get it back to a normal level.  Intimacy is a beautiful thing but trust and believe it can be soured by unsettling odors. Please stop putting your spouse in the way to tell you that you smell.  They love you.  They don’t want to hurt your feelings.  They are lacking words.  However like my mom taught me and it’s true, you can smell you.  You know you need to dip back in the water.  Get in the water and make magic happen.  This concept that a man or woman just needs to love you no matter what is cute in theory.  However on planet reality if after you smelled you, after I spoke up, after I encouraged you to get help, maybe even went to the doctor with you and you STILL out here musty and not caring, than its time to re-evaluate.  This means that no matter how much help you have you aren’t going to change.

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I can’t understand why you would want to be funky and unwashed but whatever this epidemic is it needs to stop.  Hygiene is important.  It shows how much you care about yourself let alone others.  I can attest you wasn’t out here funky when you was out here trying to get a man or woman.  So once you get them you can’t get too comfortable.  This leads me to my last part of this washing conversation.  We all change.  We get over weight, we lose hair, we lose a lot because life happens.  What shouldn’t be lost or I should say stay lost is the love you have for yourself.  If you put energy into your life you will reap that. Some people are giving out energy to everything but them.  How can you be 100% to someone else and be unwilling to be that to yourself?  You will never be the best mom, wife, husband, father, worker, etc if you don’t learn to make you a priority.  So in reality what you are giving out is a fraction of the potential that you have.  Care about yourself. Love yourself and wash.  This foolishness of unwashed adults has to end today!!  Step it up or be prepared for someone  to rightfully walk away.

 

Women’s Month: Who is KJM?

I have had the unique opportunity to come across some really unique blogs over the years. I find that I usually lean more towards the one that tell it like it is.  I am not saying I don’t like the flowery ones for a good read.  However, at the end of the day, I need to hear the black or white and less gray.  So when I came across this blogger it was for personal reasons.  I know the blogger personally but even in knowing her personally her blogs  holds literally no punches.

Blogging can be time-consuming to say the least.  The amount of time even when the inspiration just spills out can take a toll.  There is the actual typing of the blog as well as the editing.  Then just putting your voice out there can be intimidating too. So I wanted to know who is KJM?  What is KJM and what is in the works for KJM.  Kingston Jael Michaels is a blog that was started a little over a year ago.  It is a blog that deals with all kinds of topics but it deals mostly with KJM the author pretty much making fun of herself.  She allows herself to be the butt of her jokes in hopes of helping others.  She says what you want to say but are too afraid and too politically correct to say.  She is just plain old funny.  Find her at http://www.kingtonjaelmichaels.com for more hilariousness.

I asked KJM why she began her blog:

For the last 15 years, I have had people come up to me and ask me to co-write a book with them plus I have been editing other’s works for the last 20 years! Whether it was a school paper, thesis, or just something they were writing for someone special.  I was always humbled by their requests but never gave it a thought until my friend, Michelle Monique Johnson, passed away. She unexpectedly died a week after my 34th birthday and the last thing she said to me way…”it’s time to start your blog! Fly butterfly fly!” And  so my journey began September 2015…her birth month. I write in her honor and I pray I have made her proud!

I think that death can always bring new life.  In my own personal experiences I have seen where bad situations birth such greatness when you are open to itWhen you blog like I said before it allows you to expose yourself in ways that simply can either make or break you.  I remember when others found out I was blogging.  I got mostly good reviews but from family the most that I didn’t even see on a regular basis their critique was much more harsher.  Glad that I didn’t need or rely on the lack of weight their opinion shed.  I wanted to know what she has learned about herself in this process.

 I am naturally raw with my thoughts. And it’s not for shock value! It’s naturally who I am! Through my writing, I become this naked and vulnerable woman…something that is so hard for me to be in everyday life! I always have to be strong for others…and myself. When I’m blogging, I can rest the S on my chest and just be me…insecure at times…vulnerable…yet still strong. And I love that I have discovered that part of myself. Blog life has changed my life forever!
Where is KJM going in the next few years?  What is the vision?
 I pray it grows into a huge EMPIRE and that KINGSTON JAEL MICHAELS becomes a household name…from my books to my television show! Lol. Hey if you don’t aim high and believe in your talents…who will?! So I know first hand the stock I am made of. God-given talent runs through my veins. That talent allows me to transform myself…everyday.
When you blog do you know there are many times where I have written or have deleted a blog by worrying about what my audience thought?  I wanted to know if I was the only blogger who went through this?
When I first launched, I would write and then delete. Hoping to make everything perfect. Truth be told…writing is at its best when it describes imperfect human moments. I was afraid of being judged for my decisions and my views. But then I soon learned that not every day is a great blogging day but that does not mean I should erase the imperfect for it makes me who I am…and I am so in love with who I am and who I am becoming. I am a mess at times but who isn’t? You will get many things from my blog (www.kingstonjaelmichaels.com) but perfection is not one of them!
As a blogger who unites and makes great relationships with other bloggers, who was some of your inspiration?
I follow many bloggers including ToiTime but to be honest my inspiration are writers, producers, and creators of earth shattering controversial books, shows, and movies. Oprah and Shonda Rhimes are two of my greatest inspirations. Black women who build as they create. I am in awe of them! 🙌🏽
What is your message for women.  We all have something that we can take from one another even if we are in different stages than others around us.
Do not be afraid of your God-given talents and never dim your lights for anyone. Shine! Support one another and just be. Lay in all your imperfections and do not erase those moments where you are vulnerable. There is strength in vulnerability. Lastly, love yourselves first…even as you find romantic love. Never leave yourselves behind because…if you cannot count on yourselves….who can you really count on? You are everything! You are beautiful! You are the QUEENS of this earth! Walk in that destiny proudly and never apologize for it! Never apologize for being you.  One Love, KJM
Blogging is beautiful.  However do NOT expect it to go so perfect.  It takes a lot behind the scenes to make things happen.  Never judge another blogger because you as an outsider don’t understand why something is being said in a certain way.  Trust me the writing process is not only a beautiful thing but its therapeutic at the same time.  The way its sad sometimes is necessary to free others as well as the author. KJM keep doing your thing.  I look forward to hearing and reading more from you.
Follow the blog at http://www.kingstonjaelmichaels.com or on twitter @kingston_jael

What it Means to be a Woman

The statement of what it means to be a woman is so complicated. Some would answer this in relation to their status meaning a wife or mother but the reality is being a woman when you strip the titles is much more than who were are connected to or what connects us to others.  Being a woman is one of the most liberating yet most scariest thing ever.

We don’t get the respect that we deserve.  Find any woman it doesn’t matter if she is CEO of a large company or a stay at home mom, she is under appreciated  She is expected to be everything to everyone all the time.  She is to be dressed to the nine, fierce, show strength but not too much strength if there is a man present.  She is expected to wear a lot of hats but not show emotion because emotion is considered a weakness.  Women can be all of those things.  We as women define us and that definition of who we are changes as the things within and around us change.

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We are able to make things happen on small and large scales.  We can handle a lot of things that come our way and are one of the most resilient creatures you will ever know. We don’t always get the chance to come back and get it right.  Often times we have to be reactive due to whatever is being thrown our way.  Women are beautiful no matter the shade of color.  We are beautiful no matter what we own or don’t have.  The beauty of a woman is to remain who she wants to be even when the world wants a certain reaction from us.  We are in control.  So what defines one woman may not work for the next.  Let me give you an example.  Every woman is not a mother yet motherhood isn’t what defines a woman’s womanhood.  As long as she is a woman she is a woman.  She doesn’t need to bear children to be accepted into this invisible club that she already was either birthed or in this day paid to be in.  It’s that simple. I really get tired of all of non mothers who have to go through the 4th degree as to why.  Yet there are women having, killing, or throwing babies away getting passes.  Most of this even comes from other women and we have to do better.

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Women are complex and beautiful.  So for women’s month my goal is to highlight that.  I don’t want to give you just the stories of women who are all making it but fail to showcase the failures it took to get to where they are now.  There are so many no, falls, screwups, second chances, etc that take place and sometimes with the filters of social media all we see is the beautiful side. So when you as a woman are going through your dark side you feel alone.  You feel like a loser when we all have these same moments.  We all cry.  We all hurt.  There is a woman with fabulous still being dogged out by someone.  There is a woman somewhere being told that she is less even though she is giving her all, failing, and then left feeling deserted.  So ladies, ease up on all the judgments.  We all trying to do our absolute best.  So for women history month and beyond this blog will always showcase women in a positive light.  We may always deal with the negative things we need to do better in but we will always deal with them in the manner where we all win.